The Forthright Fattie

Moving Day!

2009-06-29T07:12:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone! I've moved to a new, exciting location: http://forthrightfattie.wordpress.com/

I hope you'll follow me over there--there are pictures and updates and a whole new look.

weigh in

2009-06-22T16:21:00.000-07:00

It's probably been 4 weeks since I did my last monthly review, but I decided it's too hard to keep track of weeks so I'm just going to go by months of the year. The great part is that gives me an extra week to try and lose some weight this month!

Cause as it stands, I haven't. My weight this morning was 183.5, the same number I posted two weeks ago. But as I said, I know I had a decent week last week and I'm not stressing, just getting ready to do it again (but a little better--no beer festivals) and hope to see results.

G is on his way out to pick up some shrimp for a veggie-riffic stir-fry in my brand new wok (from Ikea, $8, so I'm not expecting too much). The MILF brought us a bunch of fruit and veggies when the in-laws came over for father's day yesterday. When G and I were at Ikea earlier today we almost gave in and had Chick-Fil-A for dinner. It's one of our "it's not really bad for you" treats. But I thought of all the zucchini and Chinese eggplant in my crisper and made the right decision.

In other news, we finally had a day without rain. It feels like it's been months. Hallelujah! Good weather and good food is a hard combo to beat. I hope your Mondays are just as pleasant.

Current weight: 183.5

Weight lost: 28 pounds

[small voice] Still realllllly ready to hit 30 pounds lost...for reals yo, let's git'r done!

rare weekend check-in

2009-06-21T07:37:00.001-07:00

Hullo blogettes!

I'm checking in on a Sunday morning here because I am not A) hungover or B) filled with self-loathing at my behavior. Progress!

Friday was odd--I woke up late, ate some cottage cheese, cleaned the house, and then checked out a few new On Demand fitness videos. The first was a kind of dance/aerobics led by an energetic guy with two backup dancers. I managed OK, but they completely lost me on the moving cha-cha. But I worked up a sweat and enjoyed myself, so no complaints. Then I tried the Pilates Abs workout. Remember how I said I kind of enjoyed Pilates? Hahaha! Bullshit! The Abs workout was terrifying. It's only 12 minutes long, but it's going to take me several tries to get through the whole thing.

This week I've been experimenting with bigger lunches and smaller dinners, trying to get out of the mindset of eating as little as possible during the day and then having a big snack after dinner. (Not that I think that evening calories necessarily "weigh" more than daytime calories, a point I have debated often with the MILF, just that I think it's good to eat well during the day.) So by the time I finished my workouts and showered, it was around 3. I decided I'd eat the big salad I'd planned for dinner, and then treat myself to a big bowl of popcorn in the evening instead of dinner.

I stuck to the plan, but I won't be doing that again. Apparently I'm a creature of habit, and I want a meal in the evening. Popcorn, delicious and nutritious as it is, is not a meal. I went to bed feeling hungry and woke up with a stomach that was a little annoyed at having been fed only fiber the day before.

Yesterday I took G to a beer festival for his birthday. What? Beer?? And then steak frites for dinner? The HORROR! But I didn't feel guilty at all because I had had a perfect week and all of my flex points were there for me. Also, I got in two more workout videos in the AM--Total Body Pilates and Jillian Michael's Shred.

If I can stick to my plan for today--eat light during the day, no alcohol, enjoy the Father's Day dinner but show some restraint--I will feel completely content with this week, regardless of the scale.

2009-06-18T15:53:00.000-07:00

It's Thursday night and I've been exercising and eating healthy all week!

That's really all I have to say, other than to wish everyone out there in the blogosphere well with their own endeavors, whatever they are.

Oh! And this: I bought a Pilates mat last weekend and have been doing one of the On Demand Pilates videos (I think it's called Total Body Pilates, 20 minutes long, perky redheaded instructor who reminds me of her) and was wondering what other people's experiences with Pilates are. This video is pretty low-key, and I actually enjoy it, which makes me think it must not be doing much for me in the way of fat-burning. It seems like a good option, though, for a day off from the treadmill. Anyone had their life changed by Pilates?

the best-made plans

2009-06-15T12:16:00.001-07:00

Last week about this time, I was lamenting a bad eating weekend and asking for advice on how to avoid negating all my good behavior during the week by eating pizza and drinking beer on the weekend. Y'all had some good pointers, including planning ahead and making cooking at home a treat. Late last week I posted about the great food I'd picked up at the farmer's market and my tentative food plans for the weekend.

Ever heard the old joke: "How do you make God laugh?" "Make a plan."

Here's what happened this weekend. Friday night G came home with excellent job-related news, the kind of news that demands celebration. So we did. We went out to a Japanese restaurant in our neighborhood that we've been hoping to visit. It was totally worth it, but I'm sure the total calories far exceeded my daily allowance.

Saturday wasn't too bad. We helped friends move all day (seriously, eleven hours), which amounts to a hardcore workout. I ordered dinner instead of cooking, but I ordered a fairly healthy meal and didn't eat all of it. I had two glasses of wine, but that's it.

Sunday was full of errands and then I had to work. G was all set to grill a chicken, beer-butt style, and I had prepared a butt-load (haha) of vegetable skewers as a side. When I got home from work, G was antsy because the chicken didn't seem to be cooking and it was already past 9 (these days he has to get up around 5, so sleep is at a premium). We inserted a meat thermometer and verified that the bird was a good 40 degrees from done, and that the coals were losing heat. We gave it about 20 more minutes before we decided to put it in the oven to try to speed things up.

A few minutes later, G looked up from the TV and shouted. Somehow our entire house had filled with smoke without either of us noticing. We ran around opening windows, turning on fans, and getting the danged chicken out of the oven. I cut into it and realized that while the bird looked crispy and cooked on the outside, it was still quite uncooked on the inside. At this point, we had no choice but to stick it in the trash.

And then we called the local pizza pub and ordered calzones.

---

So, not the weekend I planned, nor one that I am particularly proud of. It would have been very easy to put together a quick and healthy meal from stuff I had in the fridge at 10 PM last night, but instead we ordered greasy, cheesy takeout.

I didn't weigh in this morning, but I know I haven't made any progress. This may end up being one of those months where you're lucky to maintain your weight. G has been so stressed and tired with his job situation that he's been stress-eating, stopping for muffins and milkshakes on his way home from work. When he calls and tells me that, my inclination is to head to the fridge and eat whatever I see, because if he's being "bad," then so can I. For the most part, I've managed to avoid letting his behavior influence mine, but by the time the weekend rolls around my willpower is depleted and I join him.

The good news? I'm not giving up. I've been in the gym or exercising almost every day, and I was back today. I've embarked on a journey I'm calling The Great Salad Caper 2009--I've filled the fridge with salad dressing and salad fixings and all are labeled with how many points they add up to. I'm going to be hitting up the farmer's market for that fresh greenery, and I even went so far as to buy two new dishes specifically for salads.

Just to be clear, it's not that I think you have to eat only salads to lose weight, but it's summertime and salads are a great tasty, nutritious meal. I'd like to get us in the habit of eating them for dinner several nights a week, and making breakfast and lunch our bigger meals.

I know, I know, it's Monday. It's easy to have drive at the beginning of the week, but I swear, I'm going to make it work!

WTF, Men's Health

2009-06-12T10:11:00.000-07:00

A few minutes ago I sat down in my teeny tiny backyard (backconcretesquare) with a delicious piece of French toast (made with Amish whole wheat bread--divine!), some cherries, and a copy of Men's Health that we received when we signed up for the Broad Street Run. (This is the issue with Trekkie Hottie Chris Pine on the cover, FYI.)

An article called "The Fix for Stubborn Fat" caught my attention--one of these "revolutionary" articles touting (surprise!) healthy eating as though it were a new discovery. The first item that made me scoff was this follow-up to a paragraph explaining how bad carbs are: "So, what are the best choices for foods that contain carbs? Almost all vegetable top the list."

Um, OK. Here's the thing: I love my veggies. I had a dream once where I had a seven-course eggplant meal and woke up salivating. But I don't think of veggies as "healthy carbs." I think of them as VEGETABLES. Telling someone they'll have to replace their bagels and linguine with broccoli is a good way to stop a diet in its tracks. To be fair, at the end of the paragraph they did throw in the obligatory mention of whole grains, but it was a little late.

However, what really made me spit out my French toast in laughter was an item on their daily menu. Just for context, breakfast was basically turkey and lettuce, lunch was a salad with shrimp, dinner was meatloaf and veggies, and there were several snacks like nuts, cottage cheese, etc. Not a bad day's food. Except that, with dinner, they suggest "1 cup sliced cucumber, dipped in 4 Tbsp. ranch dressing."

1) 4 tablespoons is a hell of a lot of Ranch for someone who is trying to lose weight. It's double the recommended serving size. I love Ranch, but I think I would gladly eat most of the cucumber plain and then enjoy a few dips as a treat--maybe a tablespoon.

2) Those 4 tablespoons contain 280 calories, 260 of which are from fat. And not heart-healthy fat or anything like that. Just crappy saturated fat. 28 GRAMS OF IT!

3) For the Weight Watchers among us, that is 8 points of salad dressing. I get 24 points a day. Seriously? I'm going to spend 1/3 of my points on salad dressing? For 8 points, I could eat 2 cups of rice and at least not be hungry five minutes later!*

4) If you have to have something to dip your cucumber in, why not make it hummus? Hummus has fiber and other nutritious elements to it. Ranch does not. In any way.

Here's the thing: if you love Ranch, eat it. I don't care. Eat it in a small portion, or if you really really love it, eat the 4 tablespoons and account for the calories elsewhere. But why, in the midst of an article that can barely bring itself to allow that whole grains are OK (sometimes, maybe, but don't forget they have CARBS!) does a health magazine advocate eating 28 grams of saturated fat for no good reason?

Just for kicks, other uses of 8 WW points:

4 small glasses of wine

4 eggs

a McDonald's hamburger WITH AN EGG ON TOP

a small bagel with one serving of cream cheese

2 cups of pasta

8 apples

96 jelly bellies

tentative weekend food plans

2009-06-10T14:04:00.001-07:00

I just got back from the farmer's market--there's nothing like fresh produce to re-inspire healthy eating. I picked up the following: a pint of cherries, 3 zucchini, a whole frozen chicken, Amish bacon, whole wheat Amish bread, cauliflower and broccoli. While plans for Friday night and Saturday are up in the air (still helping friends move), I am planning to make a pot of beans tonight to last the next few days, a coconut/cauliflower/garbanzo bean curry Saturday evening, and to get G to grill a beer-butt chicken Sunday night with grilled zucchini on the side.

I figure that the chicken will feel like a treat and still be fairly healthy, especially for a weekend night. And while I know some low-carb dieters would turn up their noses at the bread, it tastes SO GOOD, y'all. I'm not going to apologize for that!

clothes shopping

2009-06-09T11:00:00.000-07:00

I thought I had posted about my experience clothes shopping midMay, but after searching through my posts, I don't think I did. The day started out miserably. I knew I would fit into size 16 clothes (finally!) and I expected to find them at several stores. The first place I went was The Gap, always a reliable carrier of size 16. Nada. I checked out some other stores that sometimes have 16s (J. Crew, Ann Taylor) and once again, nothing. Even 14s were hard to find. I was so frustrated that I ended up leaving the mall and heading to a different Gap, where I found a bunch of stuff, and a TJ Maxx, where I got the dress I wore to the wedding this weekend. At the end of the day I was pretty happy with my new clothes and how I felt in them, but the first half of the day was miserable and infuriating.

Fast forward a month and I see this article about why Ann Taylor has stopped carrying size 16 clothes (except for online). Now, maybe there are good financial reasons, and it's not a particularly new experience for us hefty lasses to complain about finding cute clothes that fit.

However, what really bugs me about the article is the accompanying picture. The woman shown trying unsuccessfully to button her pants is NOWHERE NEAR a size 16. Maybe a 10. MAYBE. But by putting that picture with the article, the editors of DoubleX (a supposedly woman-friendly blog) have just reinforced ridiculous notions about what plus size really looks like.

Even more surprising to me are the comments at the bottom of the post. At the time I wrote this, most of the comments were along the lines of "But their sizes are inflated anyway, all their clothes are too big for me." Seriously? I know that skinny people have their own struggles, but how are there so many more super-skinny people reading that article and posting about their woes than larger women?

weigh in/weekend away

2009-06-08T13:45:00.000-07:00

I'm up to my ears in laundry and trying to get motivated to clean the house after a weekend away. As far as things go, I did pretty well, managing to avoid snacking and even getting a run in Saturday morning before the wedding I was at home for. I can't give myself too much credit because there weren't many opportunities for snacking, but I probably could have created them if I had wanted to. And I didn't.

Of course, when I got home yesterday afternoon I was so puffed up with pride at my behavior (I went for a RUN! While OUT OF MY ROUTINE! I AM THE SHIT!!) that I ate fish and chips for dinner and had several beers. I can sense myself slowly slipping back into the pattern of doom: behave like a saint/exercise fiend Monday-Thursday and then let loose on the weekend. For a while, this pattern allows you to maintain your weight, and then all of a sudden it's six months later, you can't remember the last time you had a good day, and you've gained 10 pounds.

I've got to get a handle on the weekends, but I'm not sure how to make myself. Set some weekend exercise goals? Meditate for a half hour Saturday mornings and get my head in the right place? Meet with G every Friday and plan every bite/sip? Come up with a list of delicious homemade meals to try on the weekends?

Those were some ideas off the top of my head--what do y'all do to get through the weekends? In particular, how do you shake off the mindset of "deserving" to eat/drink whatever you want after a week of good behavior?

Scale was all over the place this morning, but I'm taking the lowest number I saw: 183.5. Down a pound from last week, down half a pound overall from two weeks ago.

2009-06-02T09:49:00.000-07:00

In retrospect, it probably wasn't a good idea to eat a big bunch of baby carrots immediately before running.

weigh in

2009-06-01T11:28:00.000-07:00

I've lost track of what week this is...perhaps 21? Anyway, I am up a half pound from last week, but I've been weighing daily and that was a big higher than it has been, so I feel OK. The weekend went by in a blur of painting, staple-pulling, and, yes, eating. No excuses, no angst.

Today I put in over an hour at the gym, on both the machines and the treadmills. I'll be doing the same the next 3 days in preparation for my trip to Indiana for a wedding this weekend. I have a dress that I'm excited to wear, and I'm going to look as good as I can in it! No alcohol, no cheating from now until I put that dress on. (OK, perhaps I won't be perfect at the rehearsal dinner, but anyway.)

I had really hoped to hit 30 pounds lost by the wedding, so I'm going to keep weighing in and if I see 181.5, even for a second, I'm claiming it!

Current Weight: 184.5

Pounds to go: 61.5

yummy dish

2009-05-29T11:50:00.001-07:00

Ah, I just thought of something worth sharing. Last night I made a new recipe for dinner and I LURVED it. Alas, I can't take pictures because now it is all in my belly. (Remember Fat Bastard from the second Austin Powers movie? That's my natural inclination as far as approach to life: "Get in my belly!" Anyway...)

A few weeks ago we were having vegetarian friends over for dinner and I thought it would be the perfect opportunity to use some of the amazing, delicious Rancho Gordo beans I had recently ordered. I had a recipe for black bean burgers that looked good, so I threw the beans in a pot to soak and headed out to find the other ingredients. Alas, neither the regular grocery store, specialty spice store, health food store OR Whole Foods carried farro. Defeated, I returned home to google alternatives. And that's where I learned that farro = spelt and realized that, duh, I have spelt in my pantry. I prepared it according to the instructions (it's from Trader Joe's, FYI) and used about half in the burgers. The other half went in the freezer.

Now, those burgers were good, but they are not the subject of this post. In the current issue of Men's Health (yummy Ewan McGregor on the cover, although the article about him is hella boring), which we're getting because we did the Broad Street Run and will cancel as soon as we have to pay for it, is an article about farro/spelt and how good it is for you. Apparently it's double the fiber and protein of brown rice. The recipe they suggested looked so good that I tried it out last night. I'd like to think that it's the kind of thing I would have come up with on my own some day, because it's simple and uses some of my favorite tricks (delectable red gravy, a poached egg over grains). And I'd like to think that my version tastes better than the original chef's version because of my South Philly Gravy. And I'd like to be a size 2 and dating Robert Pattinson. In any case, here's the gist of the dish:

You make gravy. (For you non-Philadelphia, non Italians out there, that's marinara sauce. I make mine by sauteeing onions, garlic, fresh basil and red pepper flakes in olive oil, then pouring a can of crushed tomatoes in, adding salt, sugar, red wine, and anchovies. Sometimes I don't have the fresh basil, or wine I'm willing to use in a recipe, or anchovies. Work with what you've got.)

You take some cooked felt/sparro. (HAHA, I mean FARRO/SPELT).

Stir them together in the gravy pot.

Crack an egg (or two or three) over the dish, cover, and simmer until the egg is poached. (This part didn't work too well for me when I made the dish for dinner last night. It may be because my lid doesn't quite fit on my pan, but it took so long for the whites to firm up that the yolk was firm, too. When I reheated the spelt/gravy mixture for lunch today, I poached an egg separately and then set it on top. Ymmy gooey drippy egg yolk.)

Eat.

See? Simple! Easy! And in moderate portions, quite healthy and nutritious.

Hot time, summer in the city

2009-05-29T11:43:00.000-07:00

Heading into another summer weekend, trying to get by... Once again it's busy and will likely come with many food temptations, but I'm trying to offset the damage by signing up for extra exercise. I went to the gym this morning and got in 20 minutes on various weight machines followed by a 4 mile run. That's my longest gym session in the last few weeks, so it felt good.

Tonight G and I are volunteering to help a friend pull carpet and start painting a new home. We did all this stuff ourselves last year, and I know how exhausting and calorie-burning it can be. Of course, I gained weight while we were doing it because we always ended the day with pizza or fast food--definitely a "two sides of the coin" thing here.

Kristi of KristiSummer recently posted about unexpected exercise, and that's sort of my mindset with these summer weekends. I'm not training for a run any more so I don't get those looong runs to counterbalance any bad behavior. Instead, I'm trying to gravitate (and convince others around me) toward active events instead of barbecues, eating out, drinking, etc.

Wish I had more interesting stuff to say, funny stories to tell, but I don't. Oh la.

link: NYTimes Well blog marathon series

2009-05-27T11:26:00.000-07:00

The title says it all, but the New York Times has an interesting constellation of posts about marathon running. I'm most interest in Tara Parker-Pope's reports on going from couch potato to marathon runner. She's had some critics in the comments, suggesting that this isn't the healthiest approach, but she's determined to go forward.

My only critique so far is that she alludes to being a high school athlete and occasional runner, and then "putting on weight," but I don't really know what that means. Is she a porker like me, or is she one of those "I had a baby so there's a little flab on my tummy OMFG!" folks? I hear such contradictory stuff about how running affects people at different weights, and I'd like to know what her general level of health is.

Stories are here.

open mouth, insert foot

2009-05-26T17:23:00.001-07:00

Apparently I didn't read my last post carefully because it sort of implied that I took offense to Tara's post at A Perfect Version of Myself--that is NOT NOT NOT the case. I really appreciated her post and that she responded to a topic I was thinking through.

And then as I was thinking about ways to keep my level of motivation up, I had this twisted, sarcastic vision of a bunch of bloggers calling each other mean names (with their tongues fully implanted in their cheeks) so we didn't grow complacent. Like, a dark comedy version of a support group, where the support consisted of saying things like, "How dare you think you look good, you size 16 porker! Now get to the gym!"

So, sorry Tara for the misunderstanding and keep posting your thoughtful entries--I always enjoy reading them!

what's my motivation

2009-05-26T12:52:00.000-07:00

Did you know that it takes a really long time to walk 8 miles? True story.

Yesterday G and I and another friend met up to walk an 8 mile loop that G and I had used a lot while training for the Broad Street Run. It was amazing how loooong and sloooow the walk felt, even compared to my snail-like running pace. The good news, though, is that we were all hurting at the end, so it must have been good for us.

In other news, Tara over here picks up on my comments in my last entry about feeling somewhat satisfied and unmotivated. Perhaps the best solution would be for all of us who feel OK with an unhealthy weight to call each other mean names and shame each other into continuing to lose.

No? OK then, never mind. : )

Seriously, though, it's kind of funny when I think about what goes through my head in a normal day. For example, Saturday I went canoeing and then went out to dinner for our anniversary. I was wearing a new dress, I had a pleasant stiffness in my arms from canoeing, and I felt hott! Then in the shower I smoothed soap over my flabby belly and thighs and felt like a fat troll. The point, then, is that those feelings are not the point. I'm glad to have a healthy self-esteem and be able to recognize when I look good, but just because I don't "feel" motivated doesn't mean I should slack off.

Habit. It may not be sexy, but it's a pretty good way to get where you want to go.

weigh in/month 5 reflection

2009-05-25T06:51:00.000-07:00

Happy Memorial Day!

In spite of my bad weekend behavior I'm owning my weigh in and not shoving it off til next week.

The scale is down to 184, which means I lost 3.5 pounds this month. As usual, I would love it to be more but I'll take it as long as it keeps going down.

This month I participated in a 10 mile run, cooked some really tasty and nutritious food, and officially settled back into almost all of my old clothes that I've been too big for in the last few years. I'm a size 16 right now, which is the size I've been since my senior year in high school. I feel generally fit and like myself, whereas 20+ pounds ago I felt like a heavy, uncomfortable version of myself.

All that's great, but I have to remind myself that no matter how comfortable I feel at this weight, it's not OK to weigh 184 pounds as a lady who tops out at 5 feet 2 inches. I'm smack in middle of "obese" on the BMI index, with 20+ more pounds to lose before I'm just gloriously overweight.

So I'm off for a 8 mile walk. Then I'm going to plan my meals for the week.

Hope you're all finding new ways to make yourself keep going with whatever it is you're working on!

Current weight: 184

Pounds to goal: 61

Pounds lost: 27.5

Current BMI: 33.7

I like to move it move it

2009-05-24T14:40:00.001-07:00

Currently trying to battle through Memorial Day Weekend, nervous about tomorrow's weigh in. Spent almost 4 hours in a canoe yesterday, paddling hard instead of drifting. But ate some pizza Friday night and a burger and hot dog at a neighborhood barbecue today. Made plans to run tomorrow morning. Sometimes all you can do is keep moving, even when you screw up what you put in your mouth.

why I've been MIA

2009-05-22T08:22:00.000-07:00

Hello! I'm here! I haven't disappeared into a vat of bacon grease or anything, just had a busy week. I started teaching my summer class, which meets Monday through Thursday, and I've been working in the evenings as well. The good thing about my schedule is that it works really well to get to the gym on campus as soon as I finish teaching. I've been doing some upper body weight machines and spending a little time on the treadmill. As much as I did actually appreciate training for the Broad Street Run, it's so much more enjoyable to run shorter distances and do other things. Yesterday I did get up to three miles, the longest I've done since the run, and it actually felt good.

The other reason I haven't posted in the last week is because...(OMG, so embarassing, seriously, I'm trying to screw up my courage but this is SO LAME) I've been reading the Twilight books. Nonstop. For the last week.

Here's the thing, and by the way the rest of this post will have nothing to do with fattie-related stuff. Anyway, I'm in grad school STUDYING LITERATURE. I read heavy, excellent shit all day long. For so many reasons, these vampire crack books are problematic--poorly written, uncomfortable messages to send to teenagers, etc. (Like, hey, your boyfriend stalks you! He must lurve you super hardcore! Go get married!) But I don't care. It's kind of like how, after eating beans and veggies for a month, you can eat some pizza and not feel guilty.

Anyway, one of the reasons I mention this is because if you too have read these books and been unable to put them down, check out these hiLARious recaps. I was reading them last night and giggling uncontrollably, wishing I had someone to share them with.

That's all. I'll be weighing in again Monday, and I will get back to posting about things other than sparkly vampires.

My, what big teeth you have!

2009-05-14T10:13:00.000-07:00

What have you done today, to make you feel proud?

It's over folks. 30 days, 10 countries, 1 survivor. Wait, I'm getting my reality TV finales all mixed up--clearly being a couch potato is one of the reasons I'm overweight.

The Biggest Loser is Helen! And the at-home winner is Jerry! I would not have predicted either of those, even up until last week. But let's back up.

First of all, Tuesday night G and I helped some friends move into an apartment. We spent two hours unloading their moving truck, and I am still sore today. Seriously, if you know someone who's moving, volunteer to help. You'll be doing a good deed and getting a serious effing workout. After the moving, we went to dinner at Chili's. I have a whole ranting post in my mind about why it's a terrible idea to waste calories at Chili's, but I'm going to focus on the Biggest Loser now and try to let the fajitas go. In any case, we didn't get home til after 11, so I watched most of the finale on fast forward, pausing only for a few comments and the weigh-ins. Therefore, this breakdown is going to feel kind of scattered.

First, congratulations to everyone. With one or two exceptions (David and Aubrey) it looks like everyone managed to lose weight at home. Kristin in particular came very close to Jerry's percentage, and her progress is inspiring. While most of the people sitting on the bleachers still looked overweight, they all look much healthier than when they started. Also a huge kudos to Daniel for losing over 100 pounds, mostly on his own, and for having such a positive outlook about moving forward.

On to the finalists. While watching them (and Jerry) weigh in, I was struck by how much I really hate certain aspects of this show. Seriously, those people looked like they had been eating asparagus and sitting in steam rooms for weeks. Helen, Tara, and Jerry looked like they had been in the gym until the moment before they came onstage, when they changed into their glamour clothes. Was anyone else a little bit unnerved and distressed at how unstable they all seemed? I've read a few articles where previous contestants explain how the week before the finale, they pretty much don't eat anything, and that hunger has got to account for the deranged look in all of their eyes. I'd be willing to be none of them had had a sip of water in several hours, if not a full day.

And, I get it. It's $250 grand, and if I were a contestant who had made it to the finale, I'd starve myself too, and then start eating as soon as the finale wrapped. I can't fault them at all. But I do take issue with the show itself, for implying that 117 pounds is a healthy weight for someone like Helen. To be clear, I'm not trying to hate on skinny people here, and I know some people struggle with being underweight. But that's not the case with Helen, or anyone up there. They (most likely) have been extremely unhealthy for the last few days, not taking in calories, consuming only diuretics, trying to sweat out every last ounce of water weight in their bodies.

For me, last week's episode was much more worthy of a celebration. These people who weighed over 300 pounds can now run a marathon. That is the accomplishment. Starving themselves to the point of exhaustion is not.

I'm sorry if my tone is way off base here. I did enjoy seeing everyone, and I don't want to take anything away from what the finalists did in the weeks between leaving the ranch and returning for the finale--again, that's the accomplishment worth celebrating. It's just that the visual of Helen looking downright wasted away really bothered me.

Holla back in the comments if you think I'm rude and mean, I can take it.

the binge diaries

2009-05-12T10:42:00.001-07:00

A while ago I wrote a post categorizing the different kinds of temptation that are out there (for me at least) and recent events have inspired me to do the same for the different kinds of bingeing I do. While this is a fairly lighthearted post, I do realize that binge eating is a serious problem, and I'm not trying to disregard that. Rather, I'm just recognizing my triggers, which tend to be more situational than a specific kind of food.

the Fridge Binge: You're standing in front of the fridge, fully intending to put together the healthy lunch you planned. After all, you just got back from the gym: why sabotage yourself? Then you see the leftover pasta from last night. Can't hurt to have a quick bite, just to hold you over while you assemble your salad, right? Three bites later, patting yourself on the back for your willpower, you put the pasta back. But then you see an unidentified container--what might be in there? Oh right, it's the chicken sausage you made for dinner last week. Probably still good--it would be a shame to throw it away. Gulp, gulp.

The deal with the fridge binge is that, in my fridge, there usually isn't a lot of crap. I'm too smart to have a fridge full of cakes and pizza and other delicacies. Which is why the fridge binge is SO FREAKING STUPID. Why waste a quick 300 calories on gross, chilly, halfway expired leftovers? I know the answer: I do it because I feel like it doesn't count. A quick bite here and there doesn't feel like cheating, particularly when the bites are relatively healthy foods. Still, SO FREAKING STUPID.

the Sandwich Binge: I mentioned this in my last post. The Sandwich Binge is what you do in between two events you plan to let loose at. For example, if you have your best friend's wedding one weekend and guests from out of town the next weekend. While I try to prepare myself to show restraint at some such occasions, there are others where I know I'm going to cheat, and I don't care. The problem is when you allow that cheat to bleed into the days after, and then pick up a few days ahead of the next cheat. This is classic Forthright Fattie behavior, and it is SO FREAKING DANGEROUS. G and I have seen whole summers turn into Sandwich Binge sessions, and I know a lot of my weight gain in the last 4 years has happened on those Sandwich days. Because by the time you've been "bad" for 8 days in a row, you know you've gained weight, you feel like crap, you convince yourself you've lost all muscle tone and endurance, and stringing together even two days of good behavior feels like a monumental achievement which should be rewarded (with a cheesesteak). And you're off again!

Conversely, last week I was faced with the Sandwich, but I didn't binge on those in between days. I got some exercise in, and made good choices. I still made bad choices on the weekend, but at least I didn't throw away the whole week. I have a recent, bodily memory of how good it feels to be on track, and I can draw on that memory to get back to the good place.

the Stress Binge: This one's pretty obvious. Everything else in your life is going to hell so why not eat a burger? You don't have time to cook, you didn't get to the store, and the pizza delivery guy is kind of cute anyway. And it will make you feel good.

I've gotten a little better about avoiding this kind of binge, largely because I am blessed enough to lead a fairly stress-free life. However, I still face that end-of-semester crunch periodically, and there is always the temptation to just let this one part of your life be easier for the time being. The trick is remembering that bingeing most certainly does NOT make your life easier. This is a big one for G--when he's stressed, he's liable to call with a confession that he's eaten a muffin AND a shake AND a sandwich on the way home. My job at that point is to spring into action--do what I can around the house to relieve him of some his duties, and put a healthy meal on the table, refusing to allow him to sink further. In other words, if at all possible, when facing the stress binge make other people pick up the slack.

What are your binge patterns?

weigh in/week 18 reflection

2009-05-12T06:15:00.000-07:00

Last week was another crazy one. I gained half a pound, and I'm shocked it wasn't more. In fact, I'm assuming I'll go up a bit this week, at least in the next few days.

After my mom left Tuesday, G and I tried to be good Wednesday through Friday. I got to the gym twice and counted points. G called it a Sandwich Week, because we had stuff going on both weekends and nothing but willpower to get us through the days in-between. In the past, this would have meant that we used those days to satisfy every craving we'd ever had, but we managed to do pretty well. But only for those three days.

Once the weekend arrived and our friends from out of town showed up, it was an eating and drinking orgy. I ate terrible and I felt terrible--not mentally, but physically. There were some positive things--we walked a lot, and I made myself stop eating and drinking at different times because I knew I would get sick, but basically it was the old Forthright Fattie.

Luckily, yesterday was perfect--counted points, ate fruits and veggies all day, got a 3 mile walk in. Right now I'm heading to the gym. I have a month before my friend's wedding in Indiana, and I'd like to be right at 180 by the time that rolls around.

Current weight: 186

Pounds to goal: 63

Weight lost: 25.5

A rainy run day

2009-05-07T07:39:00.000-07:00

So, yes, the Broad Street Run. I did it.

Oh, you want to know more? Well then, here goes.

The Buildup

As I mentioned before, my mom and sister flew in from Indiana to join G, me, and our friend Jim on the run. They arrived Friday night. Saturday we prepared for our carbo-loading party. We had various in-laws and friends come by, and we served broccoli rabe pizza on whole wheat pizza dough as an appetizer and pasta with olive oil, garlic, and basil as the main course. My mom made a coconut cake which we tried not to pork out on too much.

Race Day Morning

Sunday morning the alarm went off at 5:45 am. The four of us took turns in the bathroom while we sipped coffee and ate our breakfast of choice for a run. Mine was a peanut butter and banana sandwich. Then we slathered ourselves in body glide, pinned on our numbers, and hit the subway. The ride was free for racers, so thank you city of Philadelphia. With every stop, tons of fit looking people in athletic clothes crammed in. My mom and I were getting a little nervous looking at all the racers--I didn't see anyone close to my weight, and my mom didn't see anyone near her age. Truthfully, though, I wasn't nervous. I felt like I didn't have anything to prove. I had done the training, and this was just another run.

Bathroom Stuff

When we emerged from the subway, it really hit us how many people were running (over 22,000). Jim and my sister took off for their starting corralls. G had signed up for the last corrall without really thinking--he could have moved up, but decided to just start in the grey group. However, we needed a pit stop before the race. Here's the thing--everything about the race was smoothly run and nicely planned except for the port-a-potty situation. You'd think for 22,000 people you'd try to get a couple hundred toilets, right? I didn't count, but I don't think there were more than 50. The lines were insane, backing up to the far side of Broad Street, weaving through all the corrals. As we waited and waited, the clock crept closer and closer to starting time. We decided not to worry about it since our times wouldn't start til our chips crossed the start line, but it was still kind of stressful to see the racers inching, then surging, forward, while we waited for our chance to pee. Those bathrooms were absolutely disgusting, too.

Ready, Set, Go!

Because of all that, we started at the absolute back of the pack. Ahead of us was a mile long wall of bodies, and behind us were one or two stragglers. The good thing about this scenario was that it let us feel like we were passing more people than were passing us. As we crossed the starting line, the mayor was there urging us on. I took the opportunity to yell at him not to allow casinos in the city, my pet issue. My mom laughed, G sped ahead of us, and we were off.

All About My Mother

My mom is 51 years old, and weighs about what she did in high school. G says she is the most healthy person he knows. All I know is that I have been training for this race for months and she has not. Nonetheless, she kept pace with me the entire time. In fact, she easily walked next to me while I ran. Having her beside me was the absolute best thing I could have hoped for. We took it nice and slow, enough so that we were able to chat and make jokes. I do not know where she gets her energy, but I want some. I plodded along with my head down, just trying to keep moving. My mom, on the other hand, was skipping, jumping, high-fiving the spectators, thanking them for their encouragement, waving her hands in the air--I've never seen anything like it.

Steady On

Once we got moving, the miles passed pretty quickly. We ran through the grimy streets of North Philadelphia, then past Temple University, where I spend most of my days. At some point we were able to make out City Hall through the mist, and eventually we ran around it. From there, we ran down the Avenue of the Arts and all the performance venues, then hit South Philly (aka My Hood). When we passed my street, about 7 miles into the race, we joked about peeling off and heading home, but we kept going. I anticipated that the last stretch would be miserable. In some ways, it was. We could see people who had finished the race heading back up Broad Street, and every part of me was beginning to ache. But the miles kept coming.

I really owe a debt to everyone who stood out in the rain and cheered for us. Some people were there with groups, and there was one particularly annoying woman with a megaphone who was urging us to vote for her candidate in between her shouts of encouragement. But there were also little old ladies in wheelchairs and people standing by themselves with signs. I don't know what convinced them to come out into the rain and watch people run by for hours, but I really appreciated it. I drew a lot of energy from their cheers. Sometimes I yelled back at them, like when one woman said, "Start running, folks, the end is close!" I yelled back, "I AM running!"

The Finish Line

Finally we passed ths sports complexes and saw the Navy Yard in the distance. My mom told me to go on ahead, but she still stayed next to me until the very end. I knew that you had to keep going about a quarter mile after entering the Navy Yard so I tried to pace myself. But once we entered, I just couldn't go slowly any more. My legs picked up speed of their own accord, and my arms started pumping. I saw people on the sidelines pointing at me, noting my sprint. I saw the finish line, and between it and me, a group of about 5 girls. I charged, plain and simple. I wanted my name above theirs on the results list. In the last second, I crossed the line right before them, feeling like a total champion.

My mom came through about 20 seconds behind me, and we quickly found the rest of our party, who were chilled to the bone by that point. We grabbed some snacks, and then set off for the mile walk to the subway. Honestly, that mile was by far the most difficult, painful part of the whole day. When we climbed down the stairs into the station, I had to take them sideways and one at a time. But eventually we got home. Jim, ever the patient one, chewed some Ibuprofen gel caps and washed them down with beer. I swallowed mine, and then had a bit of coffee. We all showered, warmed up, and headed out for a well-deserved burger and fries.

The Results

Jim's time was the quickest, then G, then my sister. They all did under 10-minute miles. My mom and I finished in 2 hours and 13 minutes, just under 13.5 minutes miles. My main goal was just to finish, but I had hoped to do it in under 13.5 minute miles, so everything worked out perfectly. If you had asked me around mile 8 whether I would ever do this again, the answer would be an unequivocable NO. But then I watched the Biggest Loser the other night and they ran a marathon. Hmmm.... : )

eta:

I hadn't said this clearly: I did run the whole thing. It was slow, but there was no walking involved.

weigh in/week seventeen reflection

2009-05-06T09:17:00.000-07:00

Whew! It's been a while. Things were so crazy last week prepping for my meeting with my advisor that I didn't have time to post, and then my family arrived, another houseguest arrived, we had a party, we ran a race. My mom took off last night, so it's back to business. I'll be posting about the run a little later.

First, though, time to take stock of my eating over the last week and a half. My weight on Monday was 185.5, down two pounds from the previous week. However, it's up a bit today because there was a lot of eating out recently. G and I did very well during our crazy week, largely because the race was staring us in the face and we didn't want to screw it up. I didn't necessarily count points every day, but in the past all that stress would have been an excue to eat pizza every night, and instead we ate moderate portions of rice and beans. We carbo-loaded Saturday. Sunday after the race we celebrated with the best burgers in the city at Royal Tavern.

A friend who is moving to the area stayed with us this weekend, so of course we had to take him to our favorite restaurant (Penang) Monday night. I ate a banana for breakfast and a salad for lunch, so I didn't feel too bad about enjoying the meal. Yesterday, my mom and I went shopping (more on that in another post) and had lunch at Chick Fil A. I ordered the side salad instead of the fries, and felt good about that. Then G suggested we go out for Cinco de Mayo...whoops. Nachos, chicken wings, and beer.

Today I am back on track, eating fruit and a Mojo bar for breakfast and heading out to the gym for my first post-race workout. I'm determined to hit the gym Thursday and Friday. However, we have another set of houseguests arriving Friday night. They're here to hang out and enjoy the city, and that will mean restaurants and bars. I'm going to try to come up with some willpower and not go nuts, but realistically speaking, I'm not going to eat a salad and drink water while everyone else is chowing down. I just hope that these good days will do something, and that I don't gain more than a pound or two next Monday.

Off to the gym!

Current weight: 185.5
Pounds to goal: 62.5

weigh-in/month 4 reflection

2009-04-27T07:39:00.000-07:00

It's been 4 months! Four months of consistent weight loss. I can hardly believe it.

My weight this morning was 187.5, bringing me to a total loss of 24 pounds, and 4 pounds lost this last month. I was hoping to lose more like 6 pounds, but I'll take what I can get. Especially considering all the "bad" eating I did this month. I just read my month 3 reflection, in which I celebrated things like "no fast food" and "no ordering pizza." Well, technically I guess I still haven't had fast food, but we did order pizza last week.

Over the last four weeks, I noticed a real difference in my attitude. I'm less anxious about losing weight, which is good, but also less focused on eating well. I'm glad I managed to lose 4 pounds in spite of this lackadaisical attitude, and it's been nice not to spend the weekends stressing about Monday morning.

I think part of the reason for this change is that I've been weighing in just about every day. I see the numbers go down midweek, so I relax a little bit--both in stress level and in approach to food. This week I'll continue to monitor my weight daily in anticipation of the run, but once it's over, I'm going to try to go back to weekly weigh-ins for a little while and see the difference it makes.

So speaking of the Broad Street Run, it's this weekend! My mom and sister are flying in Friday night to do it with us. We're also having a houseguest and dog-sitting this weekend. Saturday night we're having a pre-race party. G starts a new part-time job tonight, and I have a big meeting Thursday basically to prove that I've been working hard all semester (justify your existence, more or less). Sooooo this is a freakin' stressful week. I've been studying nonstop for the last few weeks, and will continue to do so this week, trying to fit in my last few pre-race runs, as well as helping G with the transition and preparing for the family invasion. There is no food in my fridge and only the loosest of meal plans in my head. I think we'll be ordering salads at least one night in the next few days. In some ways it's good that everything hits this week--the fear of the race will keep us from going completely off the rails, food-wise. But all the same, I can't wait til it's all over.

Next week at this time I hope to be writing about my plans for relaxation, new exercise goals, farmer's markets and healthy cooking!

Current weight: 187.5
Pounds to goal: 64.5
BMI: 34.5
Pounds Lost: 24

cooking with the forthright fattie!

2009-04-24T19:00:00.000-07:00

(You may not want to read this if you're a vegetarian! I'm sorry! I don't eat a lot of meat, but I do enjoy it here and there.)

Last week G and I went out for a long overdue meal at Cochon in South Philly. (I'm throwing in the specifics for my local readers, holla kristisummer and ubervixen!) I ordered the "Suckling Pig Confit over Lentils and Brussels Sprouts topped with a Poached Egg." It was delicious--sooo flavorful and toothsome. G and I both concluded that the only thing that could impart so much deliciousness to the meal was an excess of pork fat.

However, the individual components of the meal were simple enough that I figured I might be able to recreate them in my own kitchen. Instead of suckling pig (because I wouldn't know where to begin suckling a pig) I used bacon. Still delicious fatty porkness, but much easier to control, portionwise.

Here's a rough estimation of a recipe. I cook pretty instinctively (instinctually?) so some of the details may be off, but any approximation of this would work. By my calculations, a serving somewhere in the 10 point WW range, assuming you eat about a cup of lentils. As for the original, I'm sure it was some sort of multiple of 10 points. Like 100.

The Forthright Fattie's Fake Suckling Pig

(serves 2 with leftovers)

Ingredients:

for the lentils

2 c. lentils*

3 c. water

1/2 yellow onion, diced

2 garlic cloves, minced

1/2 teaspoon olive oil

5 strips bacon, cut into smallish pieces

kosher salt to taste

for the brussels sprouts

10-12 fresh brussels sprouts

1 teaspoon olive oil

kosher salt to taste

for the egg

2 eggs

1/2 c. vinegar

2 c. water

Soak the lentils in the water for several hours ahead of time to soften. When you're ready to begin cooking, put the lentils over high heat. Saute onions and garlic in the olive oil until the onions are translucent. Add to the pot with the lentils. In a separate pan (use the one you sauteed the onions in!), fry the bacon until just beginning to brown. Remove from pan with tongs or a slotted spoon, leaving the bacon grease in the pan, and add to the pot with the lentils. Add salt. Keep an eye on the lentils, boiling until the water has reduced away.**

Rinse and trim the brussels sprouts, cutting them in half and getting rid of bruised outer leaves. Rub the cut side with olive oil. Place in the pan (with the bacon grease in it) and cover for 5-10 minutes, until sprouts soften. Remove the lid, sprinkle sprouts with salt, and saute until the bottoms are browned.

Fill a small pot with the water and vinegar. Bring the water to just under the boiling point. Slip the raw egg into the water. When the whites have cooked through, remove the egg. Repeat with a second egg.

When lentils have cooked through, and the water is mostly gone, place the brussels sprouts on plates. Spoon the lentils over the sprouts, and then gently place the poached egg on top. Garnish with fresh ground pepper and serve.

*I used yellow dhal lentils because that's what I had, but the lentils in the original recipe were some kind of firm brown lentils. My version ended up with very mushy, soupy lentils. They tasted good, but were nothing like the original. Next time I'll try it with the teeny tiny black lentils I have and see if it's better.

**Or in my case, until there's a lot of mush. You might want to siphon off some of the water, but it's best to do this before putting the bacon in; otherwise, you'll lose the deliciousness.

Next time I'll try to take a picture!

Biggest Loser Breakdown

2009-04-24T13:37:00.000-07:00

This is a few days late because I've been busy, but also because, as so eloquently summed up over at EW, this season is looooong and my interest is waning. But weight loss is all about dedication and follow-through right? So I'll make good on my plan to blog the rest of the season.

My thoughts about this week's episode:

-Ron knew exactly how that tribal council (or whatever) would go down. He gets to keep his promise to Kathy to never write Kristin's name down, but still gets to watch his son's biggest competitor head home. My question is this: I don't think I've ever seen anyone play as hard as Ron and Mike (haven't watched the last two seasons, though) and I'm wondering what exactly it is they're playing for. Obviously they've both lost a ton of weight, and it seems likely that Mike especially will keep it off. Staying on the ranch another week or two won't have that much effect. Therefore, it seems clear that they're playing hard for the money. Which is fine--seriously, for all the weight talk, that's what this game is about. Anyone who says otherwise is being silly. But Ron put so much effort early in the season into discussions of who "deserved" and "needed" to be at the Ranch that I find him a big ol' hypocrite. The editors were right--he is totally the godfather.

-G thought Kristin was being hypocritical for going to Ron and stressing how much she needed to be there, acting as though she expected him to ignore the fact that she's a threat to Mike. Ordinarily I'd agree. But she was only dealing with Ron on the higher ground he himself claimed early in the game. Is it clear yet that I think he's a scuzzball?

-So who's going to win? Probably Mike. Numerically speaking, no one can take it from him. But somehow my money's still on Tara. The girl does not lose.

Sorry this was so ranting and raving, but like I said, the show is getting weary and I'm getting weary. Where's the inspiration?? And did anyone understand Jillian's trainer tip with the deck of cards? G and I debated it for a while and couldn't come to consensus.

close quarters

2009-04-22T08:37:00.001-07:00

One thing I haven't mentioned on this blog is how easily annoyed I am by the sights and sounds of people eating. It's actually been a consistent source of tension between G and I in our marriage. He enjoys eating most when he can take a huge bite of something, while I enjoy savoring lots of little bites. I used to tell him how much his eating style grossed me out, and we had some big fights about it. Now I realize that my method could be just as annoying to someone as his, so I try to just shut up about it. (But dude it makes my skin crawl!)

I'm blogging from a cafe at my school right now, where I've set up camp to have conferences with my students. The problem is that seating is limited, so people keep sitting in a chair about two feet from me and wolfing down meals on their way to class. First there was the girl with the frappucino, soft pretzel, and brownie. (Mmm, nutritious!) Her methodical ripping of the pretzel in such close proximity to me, combined with the sounds of her working through the doughy material in her mouth made me want to scream.

Then she left, and another girl sat down. It hit me--the unmistakeable smell of fast food. She was holding a Wendy's bag. She pulled out a big juicy burger and fucking mauled that thing. Sesame seeds and ketchup were flying everywhere--handfuls of fries alternated with enormous swallows of fire-grilled beef patties--slices of onion and tomato slipped down into her lap. I could not take my eyes off her. Then, in the midst of the carnage, she pulled out a cell phone. I wept for the person on the other line, listening through the layers of cheese and bread and beef. She said, "I'm (snort) trying (chomp chomp) to eat real fast (gurgle, swallow). Call me back later. (snort swallow chomp gurgle)"

She hung up. She finished the burger. I started to breathe again.

And then she reached back into that damn bag and pulled out another burger.

The worst part of this whole experience--and these are only two of the meals I watched/smelled/heard being eaten during my 5 hours in this seat--was how I was simultaneously disgusted and jealous. I wanted the frappucino (and I hate frappucinos), the pretzel, the burger, the chips I could hear the guy eating from the next booth over. How gross is that?

Note to self: for sanity and self-preservation, schedule all future conferences in your office.

get over it

2009-04-21T05:56:00.001-07:00

Favorite phrase in high school: "Here's you. Here's a bridge. Get over it."

Well, I did get over it. It must have been providence that my last post disappeared, meaning that instead of reviewing all the crap I ate last weekend, I can just tell you about my kick-ass workout last night.*

I ran over the Ben Franklin Bridge, which spans the Delaware River between New Jersey and Pennsylvania. The link shows some cool pictures that I am too ethical to steal and post here, but do click. This thing is a monster. It takes, like 5 years to repaint it. The whole run, starting a few blocks from the bridge, was just under 4 miles, but almost half of that is at an incline. AND yesterday it was cold and rainy and miserable, perfect weather for making an excuse not to exercise. I was huffing along, looking down at the cars, rain pelting my face and feeling like hail, and thinking, "This is fucking GREAT!"

*In the interest of forthrightness, here's last weekend. There are reasons, excuses, justifications--even some good ones. But the facts speak for themselves: bread, french fries, beer, blueberry pancakes, sour cream and onion potato chips, cadbury creme egg, 5 buffalo wings, 4 slices of pizza, more beer.

BLERG!

2009-04-20T07:15:00.000-07:00

My whole effing post just disappeared. That is SO FRUSTRATING.

Quick and dirty: totally screwed up this weekend, moving on, current weight 189.

weigh in/week 15 review

2009-04-20T07:07:00.000-07:00

quick link

2009-04-18T07:19:00.001-07:00

About to head out for my long run. Here's a link to a (not really) interesting article about heavy movie stars. The twist is, they're men! No real revelations or provocative conclusions in the article, but it's worth a glance if you're interested in media and body image stuff.

a little perspective

2009-04-17T08:14:00.001-07:00

I have a fracquaintance (more than an acquaintance, not quite friends) who has lost about 35 pounds this year, and she looks great. She was a lot smaller than I am to begin with, so 35 pounds brings her about to her ideal weight.

Last night, after this little cocktail party, I was hanging around chatting with her and another friend about our plans for the rest of the evening. I had eaten very lightly at the party--a few pieces of cheese, some olives, a couple dabs of pita and hummus. Not enough to satisfy me, but enough that I knew I shouldn't head home and eat a full dinner.

My friend chimed in with a suggestion: "You should smoke!"

She then explained how she smokes instead of snacking, and how, since she broke up with her boyfriend who did all the cooking, she hasn't been eating much. Instead, she noted, "My calories all go to alcohol."

I really hope that my face didn't betray what I was thinking, which was basically, "Guh?"

I know she feels good about herself, and how she looks, and who knows, maybe she technically is healthier than she was before, but honestly I just wanted to sit her down and carefully explain the fundamentals of nutrition. I know smoking is a hard habit to break, but to ignore the possibility of lung cancer and claim it as somehow part of a healthy lifestyle...I just don't buy it.

it's all good

2009-04-16T05:30:00.001-07:00

Just a midweek check-in here, trying to talk through the weekend and make a plan.

First, thanks to Tara for the words of encouragement regarding my situation earlier in the week--after some delicious fiber-n-flax smoothies (well, they weren't cold or blended, I'm just trying to make them seem appetizing) as well as Metamucil and eating only fruits and veggies on Monday, I'm back on track.

Tuesday night, as I mentioned, G and I went out for a long overdue fancy dinner out. At this point, I think it was my birthday dinner (should have been in October) and our Valentine's day dinner. I ate exactly what I wanted (tempura battered oysters as an appetizer; suckling pig confit over lentils and brussels sprouts with a poached egg for an entree; several spoonfuls of G's shortcake with brandy sauce for dessert) and it was delicious. I did manage to meet my goal of leaving a few bites on the plate, which made me feel like I had power over the meal rather than the meal having power over me.

The tricky thing, though, with using up all my flex points so early in the week is that now I have to navigate a few other tricky situations. Tonight is a little cocktail party in my department. We're honoring people with achievements in the last year, and I'm one of them. There's going to be wine and beer as well as a cheese platter and Mediterranean platter. My plan is to eat light in the day and get in a 4 mile run, then try to be reasonable tonight. It'll be hard to count points exactly, but I won't use that as an excuse to go overboard.

Tomorrow night there's a benefit dinner with the in-laws. I know that the main food will be boneless skinless chicken breast (it says so on the flyers, which I think is kind of funny) but I'm guessing there will be things like rolls or dessert available. In other words, more calories than I want to spend. So once again I'll have to do my best and limit any other treats.

This is a lot of words to basically psyche myself up for good decision-making. If you've made it this far, thanks for reading!

Biggest Loser Breakdown

2009-04-15T13:13:00.000-07:00

I watched The Biggest Loser late last night after a delicious dinner and half a bottle of wine, so the details are a little fuzzy. But here's what sticks out.

-Great job, Laura. Maintaining her weight loss with that kind of injury is a hugely impressive feat. So many people struggle (and fail) to maintain weight loss even without hip fractures. Whether or not she manages to lose much for the finale is insignificant in comparison with her achievement.

-The makeovers were a little blah, although I liked Laura's new hair. Tara looked great, but Mike was the real story, in that powder blue sweater vest! Nicely done, Tim Gunn.

-How did Helen lose 7 pounds from that teeny little frame she's rocking?

weigh-in/week 14 reflection

2009-04-13T06:58:00.001-07:00

I'm not posting my weight this week, for several reasons.

1) The scale would not settle down this morning. We use a digital scale, and I usually hop on and off a few times before it settles on a number, and then it doesn't budge. But this morning there was a 6 pound range, and after 4 tries, I decided I didn't really want to know. Because...

2) To put it delicately, my excretory system shut down a few days ago. I'm on an all fiber diet for the time being!

3) I weighed myself every day last week, which meant elation on the good days and depression on the bad days. I'll check in whenever #2 (hehe) resolves itself, but I'm going to try and enjoy the freedom of not knowing for now.

Behavior wise, I had a pretty good week. G tried to sabotoge me by giving me an Easter basket full of candy before going out of town for the weekend, but I think I showed pretty good restraint (1 Cadbury creme egg, 36 jelly bellies, 1 peanut butter egg, and a caramel bunny over 5 days). I minimized drinking--several glasses of wine Thursday night after G left (wine and Gossip Girl--AKA me time) and a glass in the hot tub at the in-laws last night, but that's it. I also ate about half of what I would usually eat at a holiday meal, and felt very satisfied. I ran 21 miles, kept working on the pushups, and took a long walk Friday night (like, 6 miles).

Sure, I wasn't perfect. In addition to the Easter candy, I ate Chick Fil A (and did not forego mayonnaise) and gave myself generous portions of several weeknight meals. But it was a darn good week overall, particularly for a holiday, and I'm moving forward.

G and I are going out for a nice meal tomorrow night--it was supposed to be my birthday meal in October, and then our Valentine's date, and we are finally doing it. So I'm going to enjoy the heck out of it, and then try to be really good all weekend.

Mini goals for the week:
-Continue to leave Activity Points uneaten. (Not all, but at least some.)
-Be strict about portions.
-Have a friggin' bowel movement.

Current weight: Somewhere between 187 and 193.

Biggest Loser Breakdown

2009-04-08T13:04:00.001-07:00

It's that time again! I always look forward to The Biggest Loser so much, and then when it's over I feel strangely dissatisfied. However, there was lots to enjoy in last night's episode.

-The godfather montage with Ron. Don't get me wrong--I cannot stand Ron and his hypocritical self-righteous attitude, but seeing the producers play around with it was hilarious. Where did that footage of Ron reclining with cucumbers on his eyes come from?

-Tara awesomeness. While the contestants were competing in the challenge, I turned to G and said, "I can run 9 miles, but walking up the stairs in the subway gets me out of breath." Then Tara said she hadn't been able to walk up the stairs at the subway either! Maybe one day I'll be able to do the stairs at the Rose Bowl.

-Ever-shrinking Kristin. She's one of the heaviest left, but girl is SHRINKIN'! Holla!

Speaking of shrinking, Laura's cute chipmunk cheeks make it easy to overlook her own hardcore shrinkage. Look at that girl's belly and legs rather than her cheeks and it'll hit you.

What I didn't like, in fact DESPISED about the episode: people's reactions at the weigh-in, particularly Allison and Jillian. It may be that A/J had inside information that Tara really did try to throw the weigh-in, and that's why Jillian put on her death-face and Allison gave such a sad and disapproving "Thanks" to Tara. But if they didn't have that info, then what the hell is wrong with them? Tara's not skinny yet, but girl does NOT have much to lose, and frowning at a 3 pound loss for someone with her current frame is not only ridiculous, but dangerous. This is my least favorite aspect of Biggest Loser, even more so than the ridiculous drawn-out editing and stupid product placement. Another iteration of it could be seen in Mike's disappointment to only lose 5 pounds. Of course he's going to start having his lowest losses of the game--he has so little left to lose! He looks almost like a normal, strong, dude these days.

What are your thoughts? Who's going to win? I'm pretty convinced it'll come down to Mike and Kristin.

freudian slip?

2009-04-07T10:29:00.000-07:00

In an email to my mom, I meant to type "Broad Street Run" but my fingers typed "Bread Street Run." So what's on my mind? : )

weigh in/week 13 reflection

2009-04-06T11:46:00.000-07:00

Stepped on the scale this morning to see I had lost half a pound last week.

Got pissed off. "I ran 20 miles this week, SCALE, why haven't I lost AT LEAST 2 pounds???"

Went downstairs and wrote down what I ate last night.

Got contrite. "Oh scale, thank you for letting me lose even a measly half pound after eating all that steak and bread and drinking that beer and wine!"

So, I'm at 191, 20.5 pounds lost overall. I've been waiting to hit 21 pounds for so long (meaning I would have lost 10% of my starting weight) and of course it gets drawn out just a little bit longer. I thought I had a darn good week, what with running 20 miles and counting my points every night (until last night--I had a lot of points, but not quite enough for everything I ate) but it didn't quite work out. I'm not going to stress, just have another good week and see what happens. I am going to try not to eat all of my activity points, though. I earn so many by running that there's really no need to consume each and every one.

Current weight: 191
Pounds to goal: 68

what I'm eating

2009-04-02T06:28:00.000-07:00

A while ago I stopped logging everything I ate here on the blog, although I still log it in my trusty Moleskine. Just in case anyone was wondering, though, I thought I'd let you know what kinds of food I've been eating lately.

I'm still loving Trader Joe's Ezekiel Bread (no flour, just sprouted whole grains). We buy a loaf and stick it in the freezer, then pull out one piece at a time and toast them. I'll eat a piece of toast with peanut butter on it several times a week for a satisfying, protein-filled breakfast.

This week, though, I bought some cottage cheese and have been eating it with some raspberry preserves swirled into it. For those of you who are hardcore about fats and sugars, that's probably not the ideal breakfast, but I do a good job avoiding sugar generally, and never get enough calcium.

Last week I rediscovered the absolute glory of the simple BLT. In my kitchen, though, they're BOTs--Bacon, Onion, and Tomato. I make them on Ezekiel bread, and once again, it's a fairly low-calorie but super satisfying meal. The bacon feels so decadent, but there are those good whole grains and veggies in there as well.

My mom sent me a recipe for an Indian-style dish that calls for steaming cauliflower and then drenching it in a ginger-cashew-garbanzo bean-onion sauce. I can't find a link for the recipe, but if anyone is interested let me know and I can email it. Last night G kept slyly suggesting eating out at an Italian place, but I made the cauliflower instead. It took a while to chop all the onions, ginger, cilantro, jalapeno, and cauliflower, but it was so worth it in the end. We served it with a little basmati rice, but that is optional if you're low-carbing it. Aside from a little oil (or ghee if you have it) the rest of the ingredients are mainly veggies and a few beans.

I'll be eating leftovers tonight, and then it will be time to figure out the weekend menu--I'm working every night, so I'm thinking there will probably be a caesar salad from the healthy Mediterranean place one night.

In any case, I'm still happily chopping and dicing and trying new things, and rarely tempted by the greasy takeout and corner bar that did so much damage to my body last fall. Here's to more of the same!

to regret or not to regret

2009-04-01T11:47:00.000-07:00

A piece of tilapia sauteed in garlic, a little bit of olive oil, and lemon juice. Sauteed spinach. Half of a baked sweet potato.

This delicious and nutritious lunch, leftover from dinner last night, is sitting in my fridge right now. I had an unexpected last minute lunch meeting today at a bar. I ordered a wrap which consisted of: a few pieces of steak, Asian slaw, green beans, and a whole wheat tortilla. It was served with a few tortilla chips. (Seriously, there were only about 7).

The last time I had a lunch meeting at this bar was during the first week of my lifestyle change, back in January when everything was fresh and new. I ordered a cup of soup (not a creamy one) and a garden salad (no dressing, cheese, etc).

The meal I ate today is relatively healthy, and a good way to satisfy the red meat craving I've been suffering for several days.* However, I'm sure the wrap far exceeded the calories I had planned to consume at lunch, or the calories in a cup of soup/garden salad.

Here's the thing: I can't work up a sense of failure. I have the rest of the day to be good, and the rest of the week. I have flex points if I need them, and no planned meals out for the rest of the week. I think I'll be OK. But there's still a nagging sense that I should feel guilty because I didn't make the best possible decision. I'm so deeply ambivalent about this, and even the time it takes to write this post feels like a neurotic indulgence.

The bigger point that I'm trying to make, then, is that this weight loss thing is about so much more than making the right choice. Contrary to what they preach on The Biggest Loser, you have to be open to compromise, contrition, and forgiveness. To put it differently, so much of this is mental. We have to make choices, and live with those choices. I think I can cope with this one, but coping isn't much of a way to go through life.

*The other night I whined about it so much that I decided to figure out the last time I had any red meat. I recited every meal I had eaten for the last two weeks and learned two things: 1) I hadn't eaten red meat in at least two weeks; and 2) far too much of my brain space is devoted to remembering every bite I take.

Biggest Loser Breakdown

2009-04-01T11:32:00.000-07:00

Lots going on last night on our favorite love it or hate it show. In some ways, it seemed like the perfect setup for April Fool's Day. "Remember Nicole? She's freaking awesome! She's back! Haha, just kidding!"

I have to say, Nicole seemed genuinely delightful in addition to being a major inspiration. Her final confessional was the best kind of Biggest Loser moment (aside from kickass workout montages). I wish she had stuck around (more on Ron in a minute) but I understand why the rest voted her out. I'm not sure if she would be able to win it all, considering how small she already is, but she's obviously a threat.

On to the shenanigans:

The returning players angle was fun, and I can't wait to see how the rest of the people at home are doing. The finale is going to (completely drawn out) lots of fun.

The Ron/Mike vs. Filipe/Sione drama is tiresome. As anyone who's ever watched Survivor knows, alliances don't last. Do you think you can all win? Of course not. So play the game, backstab, whatever, but don't act so put out when someone does it to you, RON. If I were playing the game, I'd hang on to Ron forever, but as a viewer, I'm so sick of his self-righteous and bossy attitude. And Filipe and Sione are fun to look at, but also pretending they're not playing a game for a big old pot o' moolah.

The balance challenge didn't do much for me, but I was impressed by Kristin's performance. I don't know how long contestants have at home before the finale, but if she doesn't get sent home before then, I think she'll be primed to win. She's got so much more to lose, but you can tell she's very fit underneath her excess weight, and if she just works out like a mo-fo, she could take it all. Ditto Mike.

Finally, congrats to Allison, this week's Biggest Loser! Am I missing anything else important?

BMI update

2009-03-31T06:54:00.001-07:00

I planned to update my BMI monthly, but forgot to yesterday.

When I started, at 211.5 pounds, my BMI was 38.7.

Today, at 191.5 pounds, it's 35.

I don't know exactly what that means in a scientific sense, but it's one more way for me to see numbers getting smaller, so woot woot!

gimme a break

2009-03-31T06:17:00.000-07:00

Two interesting links today.

First, can this be a good idea? The New York Times explore the effects of drinking coffee before a run. True story: coffee is a diuretic. Running has a similar effect on many. My mind is going to unpleasant places.

Second, barf. At 5'9 and 120 pounds (holy COW) this woman was told she had "waist wads" and "banana rolls" by a plastic surgeon. I guess the rest of us should just commit mass suicide.

weigh-in/month 3

2009-03-30T04:12:00.000-07:00

Down 2.5 pounds from last week, for a grand total of 20 pounds. I like this--it's a nice round number to round out the third month of this little lifestyle change.

If you break it down, though, it was 10 pounds the first month, 6 pounds the second, and 4 pounds the third--decreasing losses. I'm not too bothered by it because the big family reunion/week of guests in the middle of month 3 was a big factor, and I think that I can continue to lose around 6 pounds/month.

When I think back over the last three months, I'm kind of amazed. No fast food (unless you count Chick Fil A, which I really don't. When I say fast food, I mean McDonald's, Wendy's, etc.), hardly any eating out that wasn't socially obligated, no ordering pizza. Oh yeah, and I went from running zero to eight miles.

The next milestone on my calendar is a friend's wedding on June 6, just over two months from now. If I can lose 12 more pounds by then, I'll be happy. (I may not be able go to the wedding--it's in Indiana--but that doesn't matter.) I'll be training for the Broad Street Run for the next month, and then I'll need to figure out the next step in fitness. I'm not sure if I'll continue to try to run longer distances, or if I'll start focusing on some kind of weight training. What I do know is that I can't do what I did two Thanksgivings ago--train for a run (in that case, 4.5 miles) and then once it's over, gain twice the weight I lost. That would not be cool. And I won't let it happen this time.

Current weight: 191.5

Pounds to goal: 68.5

chronicle of an 8 mile run

2009-03-29T12:11:00.001-07:00

Yesterday afternoon I set off for my long run: an 8 miler. I had selected a route from walkjogrun.net which starts at the base of the Philadelphia Art Museum and then follows a loop next to the river, over a bridge, and back to the museum. The loop is a trail populated with bikers and runner and dogs and G and I had been there before (when these pictures were taken) so I thought it would be a good spot. Here's how it went:

Mile 1: Jogging slowly past Boathouse Row, still dodging lots of pedestrians. Still no Ipod (please mail it soon, mom!), carrying a water bottle for the first time, nervous about what's ahead but feeling all right.

Mile 2: Can't tell if it's the lack of music or my actual pace, but I seem to be going verrry slowly. Oh well, I've got a long way to go. There's a crew meet taking place in the river, so the banks are covered with tents and booths and parents and canoes. Or whatever the crew boats are called. At one point a team is carrying one across the path and I have to jog in place for a second to let it pass. This has never happened to me in the gym or in the city.

Mile 3: Still feel like I'm going at a snail's pace. There are spraypainted markers every 1/4 mile, and it's taking me forever to get from one to the next. G has run ahead of me, and all of a sudden I see him on the other side of the river, waving both arms in the air like a fool. It puts a huge smile on my face and spurs me on toward the bridge.

Mile 4: On the other side of the river now. My legs are beginning to ache. This is taking forever.

Mile 5: I've slowed down even more, and I'm wondering if I'll be able to finish. I tell myself that as long as I go even a step more than 7 miles, I'll be happy, because I will have increased my distance. I approach a little exercise station where a couple guys are doing pullups. The guy at the bar just keeps going--he must do 30 pullups as I approach. Then he stops and lets his friend have a turn, and wanders over toward the path. As I pass, silently admiring his physique and overall super-fineness, he opens his mouth and lets out an amazing Haitian/West African/French accent, saying, "Good effort, you're doing great." "You too!" I shout back, thrilled. I'm a happily married woman, but that gorgeous accent gets me through the next half mile.

Mile 6: Less than three miles left. I should be able to do this, but I don't feel like I have it in me. I try to come up with a mantra that will keep me going, but my mind is too alert and my body too tired to let the words take over and the repetition keep me moving. Instead, I keep changing it up so that I'm basically mumbling to myself like a crazy person. "You can do this. You can do this. No one can stop you. Only you can stop you. You won't stop. You will do this. Just keep moving. You are strong. Do it for the haters. Do it for the fatties." etc. etc.

Mile 7: There's some kind of bike race on the road to my right. Giant packs of cyclists keep whizzing by, giving me vertigo. There aren't many people here, and whenever someone passes, I have to fight the urge to scream at them, "What does it look like I'm doing?? Walking or running??" I can't tell anymore. There's tons of nasty goose poop on the ground, and whenever one of the Canada geese wanders into the path, I take advantage of the lack of people by muttering, "Fuck you, goose." A few minute later a woman runs up going the opposite direction and smiles at the geese. Bitch.

Mile 8. I've spotted G up ahead. He has been sick this week, so he decided to run 5 miles and walk the rest. Even so, he's still going to finish before I do. I can see the museum now, and am trying to figure out how the path works its way around--front or back? The route calls for going around the front and running up the steps Rocky-style, but if I can find a shortcut around the back, I'm going to take it. No, I'm going to finish. I have to finish. I run under an underpass and curve around the front of the museum, where well-dressed women are carrying their museum store bags and hipsters are climbing the steps. I'm red-faced, sweaty, absolutely gross, but I don't care. I run exactly to the center of the front of the steps and stop. I did it.

Mile 8.5 My legs are broken. My muscles are pulverized. I have to walk .5 miles around the museum to meet G, but now I know that I was running before because I can't walk. I stumble in slow motion past the Rocky statue and posing tourists. It takes superhuman effort to put one foot in front of the other. I stop and stretch. I wonder if I've pushed myself too far, if my body doesn't do more than 7 miles. I'm afraid I won't be able to do the Broad Street Run. I suddenly find a mantra. It goes like this, "Fuck Fuck Fuck. Fuck Fuck Fuck. Fuck Fuck Fuck." I try to keep moving, through parking lot, toward G. I wonder if I'll collapse, and have to stop someone and beg them to find my husband, the guy in the white bandanna, and tell him that his wife is back there and can't move anymore. Finally I see G, and start crying. He makes sure I'm OK. He thinks I'm crying because I didn't run 8 miles, but when he finds out I did the whole thing, he's super encouraging. I'm still wheezing and gasping and choking with tears dripping down my face, so he does the best thing: offers to go get the car for me. A few minutes later, I'm seated.

Postmortem: 3 Ibuprofen, 1 Gatorade, 1 shower, and 30 minutes of runner's trots later, I feel slightly human. I might attempt 9 miles next week.

emo eating

2009-03-27T13:45:00.000-07:00

No, I don't mean putting on skinny jeans and plastering my bangs to my forehead before I eat. I'm referring to emotional eating.

There seems to be consensus out there in the dieting world that most of us trying to lose weight are emotional eaters. Had a bad day? Scarf down some candy bars. Fight with the hubby? Dive into a tub of cookie dough.

I've been thinking about it, and I don't think I'm an emotional eater. That sounds like a good thing, right? I can control my eating independently of my emotional state.

Here's the problem, though. If I'm not an emotional eater, but I'm still a good 70 pounds overweight, what kind of eater am I? I've thought about it, and the best I can come up with is that I'm a food eater.

If it's food, I'll eat it. It doesn't matter what my mood is. Take today, for example. I woke up feeling refreshed. And excited for breakfast. Then I had a pleasantly slow morning of schoolwork and anticipating lunch. As soon as lunch was over, I started thinking about dinner, and trying to figure out how many points I'd have leftover after dinner for my favorite part of the day: TV and snacking.

I enjoy food. I enjoy all kinds of food. I enjoy eating more than exercising, sleeping, or even having sex. I believe any social gathering is enhanced by food--in fact, the two are basically synonymous in my mind. Happy or sad, bored or busy, hungry or full, I've always got food on the brain.

So how do you cope with that? They tell emotional eaters to replace food with other forms of comfort, but how can you replace something that is constantly on your mind no matter what else is going on? Is this food addiction?

I'm not necessarily feeling discouraged right now, I just realized that I always want to eat and am wondering what that means.

ETA: Looking back over this, I think the term I was searching for is glutton. Seriously.

the man in the mirror

2009-03-27T09:37:00.000-07:00

My body looks better in the morning. Does yours?

I have this theory that 8 or so hours of being horizontal allows everything to resettle into the most attractive package possible. After 14 hours of sitting, standing, eating, and jostling, the fat packets have shifted downward, resulting in the bulgiest bulges and clumpiest clumps of dumpiness.

Test this theory o' mine out--before going to bed, give yourself the once over. Note the lumps and rolls. Then, as soon as possible after waking, give it another look. See if things look slightly smoother to you. And then work with that image.

goals round 2

2009-03-25T13:30:00.000-07:00

Early on, I mentioned that I had three milestones this year that I would use to organize goals around. The first was my cousin's wedding which was this last weekend. After I weigh in next Monday, which will be week 12/month 3, I'll think about the weight I'd like to be at by Memorial Day.

However, I have a running bet with my mom and sister in terms of behavior, and we have just set new goals for the time between now and the Broad Street Run. I had fun working on them, so here they are. As always, I prefer behavior goals to weight loss goals, because while you can control weight loss to a degree, you really can't live by the scale. So here are the goals I can control:

Exercise:

-Follow the Broad Street Run training program. Except in the event of sickness or injury, complete every run. If scheduling gets in the way of a run, I'll make it up the next day.

-Continue with the hundred pushups challenge. I'm in the middle of week 3 and my arms are aching, but I can do 17 pushups without stopping!

Food:

-Continue to write down everything I eat and make a good-faith effort to track points.

-If/When eating out, leave something on my plate. It doesn't matter how much, but I always eat every bite. Last week I left part of the meal on my plate and it felt so liberating! I didn't have to savor the last bite as though it were the last thing I'd ever taste! I just stopped when I got full and let someone else eat the rest.

Wish me luck!

Biggest Loser Breakdown

2009-03-25T05:56:00.000-07:00

Because of the craziness last week, I didn't have a chance to write about Biggest Loser. I LOVED last week's episode. I sat there dribbling tears all through the welcome home scenes, and then through the entire half-marathon montage. I kept trying to suck it up because I knew my dad would be arriving any minute and he has no patience for reality TV, but I just couldn't stop. I was really impressed by most of the contestants' time. At this point, except for Kristen and Ron, they are pretty much all in better shape and weigh proportionally less than I do. Good for them. (Boo for me--I liked thinking I was better off.)

Last night's episode was pretty dull. The fake drama over choosing trainers, the fake drama over giving Tara the extra weight. Why isn't this show an hour long? I did enjoy Tara's comeback on the racetrack. I'm wondering if she waterloaded last night, and if that means she'll have a killer loss next week. It's hard to tell how bodies will react to those shenanigans now that they're all so trim.

Finally, can someone explain why they keep voting off weaker players and letting the threats stick around? (Except for Dane a few weeks back, which was the opposite kind of bad decision because his team needed him to stick around.) I love Survivor, and I would be happy for this show to explain the alliances and deals that are obviously going on behind the scenes, but it's like they think viewers are so stupid that we believe they really are voting Aubrey off because she isn't losing weight.

drama!

2009-03-25T04:49:00.000-07:00

Whooo-eee, yesterday was a rollercoaster.

I was more right than I knew Monday when I said I was still struggling to get back on track mentally. After our crazy weekend we hadn't had a chance to go grocery shopping, and G is sick, so we gave ourselves one more day to get on track. Which meant we ordered dinner (caesar salads and baked potato wedges) and ate chocolate. I knew that I HAD to get back to normal Tuesday, so I hit up Trader Joe's and then headed home determined to go for my run.

Then I napped for two hours. I really do think that my body and mind were saying, "You know what? We need this." For some reason I hadn't been able to sleep at all Friday night, so I think I was still catching up. The good news was that I woke up feeling pretty refreshed and decided to tackle that run.

Then the crazy hit. I couldn't find my ipod. I ransacked the entire house, screamed at G, wept, called the Holiday Inn, called my sister, panicked, turned the car inside out, screamed and wept some more. Finally the ever-suffering G said, "You know what? You have two options. Go for a run without an ipod, or don't go for a run."

Damn. So clear. I never run without an ipod, and I needed to do four miles, so I set off with trepidation but aware that completing this run was the only thing that would make me feel better about losing the ipod. (Part of the issue here was that this was a replacement ipod for the one I sent through the washing machine last summer.)

I went very slowly, but I did run the four miles. I was still totally depressed about the ipod, and thinking about places to filch $150 from our budget, when my mom called and said it seemed like there was an ipod in her purse. "It SEEMS like that??" I yelled. "IS THERE OR NOT???"

There was. I had put it in there myself for safekeeping after we hit the hotel gym Saturday morning.

I'm so glad G encouraged me to go for a run, and I'm so glad I counted points yesterday. I did eat another caramel creme egg (they come in 4 packs!) but I counted it and ate fish and green beans for dinner. Holla!

weigh in/week 11 reflection

2009-03-23T11:09:00.000-07:00

I'm back! At least, physically I'm back. I'm still working on the mental part.

Last week my dad came to stay starting on Monday. On Thursday relatives started arriving from distant locations for my cousin's wedding, about an hour from where I live. Friday we all drove out, where we met up with my mom and sister and the rest of the extended clan. We celebrated all weekend, returning to Philadelphia yesterday to show off a few of our favorite (food-related, of course) spots. My mom and sister camped here last night, and took off this morning. In other words, it has been a full week of company, fun, messed up schedules, weird sleep patterns, and eating.

I knew back in January that this week would present a particular challenge, and I tried to plan ahead. I called my dad several times with questions about vegetable preferences and meal planning. My dad has lost a lot of weight, and is always working to maintain that loss. On one of the calls, he said, "I don't care what you make for dinner, I just don't want the whole week to be like a celebration with lots of food." Excellent!

Except that as soon as he arrived, all plans went out the window. I'm not sure if he was just relaxing, or if he thought G and I wanted to go nuts, but every time I turned around he was buying a donut or suggesting we eat out instead of cooking at home. I did pretty good while he was here, but I didn't count points and it definitely loosened my resolve heading into the weekend. Here's the summary:

Monday: seafood dinner, including a crab cake sandwich and steamed mussels, wine

Tuesday: 3 mile run, lunch at the Indian buffet (I only had one plateful! a huge departure from my usual behavior! furious pats on the back!), I made salmon for dinner, whiskey and wine

Wednesday: homemade hummus and pita for lunch, dinner with G's family at a seafood restaurant (I chose broiled shrimp, but they were swimming in butter), wine

Thursday: I ran 7 miles! joy! homemade quesadillas for lunch, dinner at an Italian restaurant with my aunt (I ate several slices of bread, some pasta, and half of my eggplant parm. Hey, good for me, leaving half of my meal on the plate!), wine

Friday: Did 17 pushups in a row. Ate a banana for breakfast and declined my dad's offer to buy me a treat at the bakery (I'm so glad I'm not tempted by sweets); restaurant sandwich with chips for lunch, 2 slices of pizza and some Chinese food for dinner (I did avoid all alcohol)

Saturday: tried to run on the hotel treadmill but it was really crappy and I was scared I'd sprain my ankle so I only did a mile and a half); 2 biscuits and 2 sausage patties for breakfast, two small sandwiches for lunch, a plate of buffet food at dinner, piece of cheesecake, some beer, some wine, a rum and coke

Sunday: biscuit and bacon for breakfast, noodles at my favorite restaurant for lunch, chicken wings for dinner, margarita, two beers.

WOW. Writing it out like this, I can see the trend: tried to maintain exercise and make good choices throughout the early part of the week, patted myself on the back, went nuts over the weekend. It could have been worse, it could have been better. At this point, it's over, so after this e-confession, I am putting it all behind me.

I wasn't going to weigh in this morning, but I did and I'm only up half a pound. Honestly, I'm thrilled. And I'm ready to get back on the normal routine of healthy, fresh, homecooked meals with serious exercise and the occasional treat.

Current weight: 194

Pounds to goal: 71

everybody poops

2009-03-17T12:56:00.000-07:00

This is how I know I am getting a wee bit too obsessed with the scale: Sunday night I dreamt all night about pooping.

Many people who weigh on a weekly basis will tell you with glee how they squeeze out every drop of pee possible before their weigh-in, but let's not kid each other here at the Forthright Fattie. A pre-weigh-in poop is the holy grail.

Alas, all that dream-pooping did not result in a real life bowel movement Monday morning. The upside to this is the hope that perhaps this means your weight is a half-pound or so less than the scale says, a fantastical possibility.

Worse, (and HI, yes, I know this is TMI, but I'm trying to lose weight and be a runner here, and that means I'm going to have to talk about poop every once in a while) I never found the right time the rest of yesterday or this morning, so I set off for my three mile run with a heavy intestine. About half way through things started to loosen up, and the rest of the run was agony. I hit the restroom as soon as I got home: sweet relief.

shopping

2009-03-16T11:36:00.000-07:00

I went clothes shopping last week.

Before last week, I hadn't been shopping since right after Christmas, that time of year when gift cards and returns burn a hole in my pocket. My sister and I went to Anthropologie; she exclaimed over the cute dresses while I headed straight for the housewares section. At The Gap, I saw a really pretty shirt in XL and decided to try it on, just in case. Five minutes later I was cursing and sweating over the exertion of trying to button it over my ginormous bosoms. I tried to ignore my reflection in the mirror and get back into my own clothes as soon as possible, vowing not to try anything else on, regardless of size, price, or style. I was miserable. I hadn't weighed myself in weeks, but I was pretty sure I was heavier than I had ever been, and as I reflected on the last five years of yo-yo-ing, I had no hope that I'd eventually lose weight.

This last experience was different. I'm still too big for clothes at most boutique stores, but a dress I tried on at New York & Co. slid over my chest so smoothly I almost gasped out loud. Granted, it was not made for someone who tops out at 5'1, but it felt great to decide against it because of style, not because it just didn't fit. I ended the day frustrated, but only because I couldn't find what I was looking for, not because I felt hopeless. I have a ways to go, but I'm determined! And come August, I will reward myself by buying a dress for my brother-in-law's wedding. I'm going to go to Ann Taylor and Bananna Republic, two stores whose style I love but whose doors I am afraid to darken for fear that the lovely salesladies will faint at the idea of their clothes on my chunky body.

You heard it here first, folks. One day, I will enjoy shopping.

weigh in/week 10 reflection

2009-03-16T04:08:00.000-07:00

Bah humbug.

I'm the queen of spouting off about how you measure behavior, not results on the scale. I know that our bodies do weird things, so if we have a bad scale week, it doesn't matter if we can say we made good decisions, ate healthy, and exercised. Eventually the scale will reflect that.

Someone hit me. That's annoying.

I'm down half a pound this week for a grand total of 18 pounds. 18 pounds in 10 weeks! That's great! That's better than I've ever done! But I was still totally bummed out by that number. All day Sunday I felt great--clothes were fitting better, when I glance down I see my boobs, not my stomach, etc. I'd been daydreaming all week about a big loss, one that would get me to a milestone. 20 pounds lost would be a good numerical milestone, and if I got to 21 pounds, that would be my first 10% lost.

Alas, it was not to be. Just a measly half pound, rounding out my total loss from 17.5 to 18. I know there were a few times this week when I didn't eat the very healthiest (see: Tuesday night pasta, Saturday night wine binge) but I also made some great choices. Last night we took our sister-in-law out for dinner to a local pub. Everyone else got burgers and fries, while I had grilled chicken with squash risotto and portabella mushrooms. Then we ordered dessert to share, and I had one teeny tiny spoonful. I was feeling so virtuous! And I need to hang on to that feeling, because I did make good decisions. And I did run 15 miles this week. If the scale feels like ignoring it, fine. I'll see what happens next week.

But that's the problem. Usually that attitude is great, but I know what's coming down the pike and that's why I'm terrified. This weekend we're going out of town for a cousin's wedding. Three days of eating out. Three days where I'll have to bow out of time with family I never see in order to do my workouts.

Maybe this paltry loss is a good thing. Maybe it will scare me into ordering house salads with no dressing all weekend. But is that really how I want to approach things? With fear and loathing?

Bah humbug.

Current weight: 193.5

Pounds to goal: 70.5

six miles!

2009-03-14T11:46:00.000-07:00

That's right, I ran six miles. Six 14 minute miles, to be exact. For some, that wouldn't even count as running, but for me, it felt like a huge accomplishment. I knew that in order to finish, I'd have to go slow. Thursday I ran 3 miles and the whole run was miserable. When I finished I realized I'd been running 13 minutes miles, which explained the misery thing. I can run a mile under 12 minutes, but I know that I have to pace myself for these longer runs.

One thing that helped, aside from the gorgeous day and the interesting route I'd plotted on walkjogrun.net, was the playlist I made before I left. I've learned that the best playlists are the ones you make yourself, so I'll share mine here in case it sparks any interest, but I encourage you to look through your CDs and grab every song that makes you go "Hey, turn it up!" when you're listening in the car. I've tried searching for good playlists on various blogs and websites, and sometimes I get ideas, but I really don't enjoy running to a song that doesn't have a pretty well-worn groove in my brain. With that said, here's my six mile list. It's more of a pleasant, keep you in the groove kind of list than a rockin', keep you moving hard-core kind of list, which works for a longer, more meandering run.

New Slang - The Shins

An all-time favorite song, good for starting out slow. (Haha, I am ALWAYS slow, but you know what I mean.)

The Boxer - Simon and Garfunkel

I prefer Paul Simon to Simon and Garfunkel, but for a long time Paul Simon was the ONLY thing on my Ipod and I needed a change.

Born to Run - Bruce Springsteen

Probably the most cliched song ever to have on a running playlist, but there's a reason.

Laid - James

This bed is on fire with passionate love? I dare you not to pick up the pace a little.

Vaseline - Stone Temple Pilots

Chosen because runners use vaseline to prevent chafing, but also because, when I run, I feel like a fly stuck in vaseline.

Flowers in the Window - Travis

A great upbeat but not way overplayed song. With sentimental value, cause we played it at our wedding when the bridal party came out.

Nugget - Cake

The perfect antidote to the pleasant sentimentality of the previous song. Get angry! Shut the fuck up! Learn to buck up, yeah, shut the fuck up. Pretend they're singing to that voice that says "You're tired, it's time to quit."

My Name is Jonas - Weezer

By the time they got to the "The workers are going home" section, I was on my way home.

No One - Alicia Keys

Yes, it's way overplayed and kind of a dumb song, but dang if it doesn't pick me up after all those alternative tunes.

When I Come Around - Green Day

But then it's time to get back to the alternative.

Worn Me Down - Rachel Yamagata

Because yes, at this point, I am way worn down.

Perfect Gentleman - Wyclef Jean

Dude, I love this song so much. And for four solid minutes, I try to remember the lyrics word-for-word rather than thinking about how much farther I have to go. Come on, has there ever been a better line than "Ten Grand let me see you shake it like you got no bones in your body and you was meant to be a celebrity."

Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa - Vampire Weekend

It's only like the most upbeat song in all of history. And it sounds like Paul Simon

Somewhere Over the Rainbow - Israel Kamakawiwo'ole

And now I'm thinking about lying on the beach. The perfect way to end.

(Just to be clear--I did not run six miles in the time it took to listen to this playlist--I listened to it about one and a half times.)

diet books

2009-03-13T08:03:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I stopped by Barnes and Noble to pick up The Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl. As I was scanning the shelves for the book, I was startled by how many ridiculous diet books are out there. I mean, I'm no idiot, I know there are lots of people out there looking for miracle cures, but I really thought that the excessively ridiculous diets appeared only in infomercials and websites. I couldn't believe that someone could actually publish a book called "The Lemon Juice Diet," or one that seemed to be about how women in the Hamptons keep weight off. The picture on the front of that one was a blender with celery and carrots in it. Um, yum? I can't wait to try it? What a sustainable approach???

Luckily, I found the dietgirl book and read the first 1/4 of it while enjoying a fairly healthy dinner at Panera. I did half of the Mediterranean veggie sandwich, a cup of French onion soup, and a baguette. Lots of carbs, but a grand total of 14 points, which I could afford because I had eaten light and done my 3 mile run earlier in the day. I'll take a sensible approach over cabbage soup, thankyouverymuch.

Biggest Loser Breakdown

2009-03-11T10:49:00.001-07:00

And breakdown is right! I was really entertained by this episode while watching it, but I felt so dirty, so cheap. While I do not believe that all reality TV is scripted (my father-in-law firmly believes this) last night's episode was so freakin' fishy. Why didn't Jillian work out Filipe? How exactly did the black team arrive at the decision to take tequila shots? And how in the heck did Mandi gain two pounds while apparently working like crazy?

I'm not suggesting there was actual tampering with the weigh-in results, I just found some of the "drama" of the episode highly artificial. The best way to deal with that is to ignore, so let's talk about the good stuff: challenges and weigh-ins.

I loved the relay challenge. It seemed pretty hardcore, but both teams rocked it. I try to store up the images in my head of things like Aubrey busting out those squats or Sione taking those stairs two at a time so that when I'm considering bailing on my own workout, I can play a little mental motivation montage.

The weigh-in was the worst one all season in terms of pounds lost. I'm guessing next week we'll see some big numbers. Here's my take on the remaining contestants and their chances to go all the way (in terms of weight, not winning the $$):

Tara: She's won pretty much every competition the show has had, so I wouldn't be surprised at all if she shows up at the finale with the biggest percentage of weight loss. I could see the girl eating asparagus and coffee for weeks just to ensure her win.

Laura: Not much of a threat, but don't underestimate her. She's a good candidate for falling off the wagon when she heads home, but I don't think the producers allow anyone to really do that.

Aubrey: Such an odd mixture of grit (see: busting out the squats) and very low weight losses. She consistently loses less than people expect her to--is she sneaking food at night or something?

Filipe: His fun-guy attitude could get in the way. And give me a break with the "Why did I let my trainer ruin my week?" Dude, you ruined your own damn week with those chicken fingers and fries. I'm all about moderation and allowing yourself treats, but you've got to own those decisions.

Sione: Has all the determination Filipe seems to lack. Huge threat.

Kristin: I'm still thinking she might win it all. She's just got so much weight left to lose and seems as determined as ever. What's with the "medical issues," though?

Cathy: I doubt she's a threat to win this thing, but she seems like a cool lady. And the fact that she quit drinking and smoking suggests she's got willpower if she can just figure out how to harness it in the food department.

Mike: Another huge threat to win. And seems like a nice guy, too.

Ron: Shut up.

Helen: Getting small, seems like a lot of fun. I'm guessing she'll win the prize for looking the foxiest (in comparison to her old self, not necessarily the other competitors) at the finale.

What does everyone else think? Does this show motivate you, discourage you, or just f*ing annoy you?

links: Michelle O and a running tale

2009-03-11T10:42:00.000-07:00

Two interesting health-related articles in the NYTimes today:

The first is about Michelle Obama's commitment to healthy eating, not just for her family, but as part of an agenda. I say Go Michelle! [Chandler voice] Could she be any more of a role model? It will be interesting to see how her agenda takes shape in terms of concrete items, and the kind of effect it might have. I don't have a ton of hope that America will suddenly learn how to eat healthy and exercise, but I'm sure her commitment won't hurt.

The other is from the Proof blog, which I enjoy reading every once in a while--it's basically a bunch of people telling stories about drinking. Right up my alley, right? This entry tells the story of how a woman gave up alcohol and ended up running a marathon.

mmm, pasta

2009-03-11T07:23:00.000-07:00

Last night I ate pasta (real pasta, not whole wheat or enriched) for the first time since all year. It was soooo delicious. And I don't feel guilty about it! Why? Because I did my 3 mile run earlier in the day and ate light and counted my points. This is why the Weight Watchers approach works for me--because there will always be a time when someone puts pasta in front of you, and being able to eat it in moderation is OK.

Let me tell you--this was pasta carbonara, which means there was bacon in it. Also, it was fresh pasta purchased from a little old Italian lady, not from a box. A friend had invited us over and offered to cook for us, and how rude would it have been if I'd said, "Oh, sorry, no pasta for me." We planned for it and we enjoyed the heck out out of it.

Funny thing: during my run I passed a camera crew filming a familiar looking guy wearing a black leather jacket. It hit me--that's the guy from America's Most Wanted! Not that I've ever seen the show, but I got home and googled him and sure enough, that was the guy!

Full disclosure: after the pasta we went to a bar and had a few drinks. I was the DD so I nursed two beers very slowly, but when we got home I felt entitled to catch up with G and had a few more drinks. I feel slightly guilty about that. I mean, I counted the points and subtracted a few from my flex points, but I'm still working on moderation in that one area.

moleskine milestone

2009-03-09T13:31:00.000-07:00

I've decided to try to add some pictures for visual interest. So here's the first one: my trusty food journal. I used up all the pages! One down, many to go. I know everyone says it, but tracking what I eat is the number one best way for me to lose weight. Obviously it's part of a multilayered approach, but if I'm not tracking, probably nothing else is going right.

This milestone is significant because in the fall of 2007 I started running and tracking what I ate in a Moleskine and lost about 13 pounds. It felt awesome. And then, after I filled up the first book, the holidays hit, my tracking waned, and fast-forward to an almost 30 pound weight gain. This time I will fill out the second book faithfully.

reader question: running outside

2009-03-09T13:22:00.000-07:00

Just typing that subject heading makes me laugh, because it makes it sound like A) I have readers and B) I have something to say about running outside. Neither of which is really a true proposition if tested, but in this teeny tiny blog o' mine, they are relatively accurate.

So thanks DEE! My first question from a reader! Woo-hoo! (No joke, this made my day.)

Dee asks: "Did you find it easier, or harder, to run outside vs the treadmill?"

Forthright Fattie answers: Physically harder, mentally easier. It's a real workout for my ankles to navigate curbs, potholes, ignorant pedestrians, and cheesesteak vomit.* I could barely walk down the stairs yesterday when I was done. However, the changing scenery and the fact that you have to get back to where you started makes it so much easier to keep going. On a treadmill, I find it a herculean effort not to look at the mileage marker the whole time (even if I cover it with a towel) and get discouraged about how far I've gone/have to go.

*I live near the cheesesteak capital of the world, and when I ran past it Sunday, there was definitely evidence of an unpleasant digestive experience. The worst part was that my shoes were slippery afterwards. I'm so sorry if I have now ruined anyone's dinner, but hey! weight loss blog!

weigh in/week 9 reflection

2009-03-09T04:14:00.001-07:00

Down 1.5, for a grand total of 17.5 pounds lost. Holla!

Seriously, I didn't know what to expect this week, what with being sick and missing my exercise early on. I felt pretty good yesterday. I went for a 4.5 mile run on the mean streets of Philadelphia. The first half of the run I felt very self-conscious, because it was my first time running "in public"--that is, not on a treadmill or in a designated exercise location. I was going so slowly (14.5 minute miles, woo yeah!). My one hope was that people who saw me thought "Gee, there's a girl jogging slowly" rather than, "Gee, she should be in the hospital." It was kind of funny to run past people sitting out for an elegant brunch and imagining them cringing away from any flop sweat. The other cool thing about running in Philadelphia is glancing up and seeing Independence Hall.

G and I went to dinner at Bonefish Grill last night--our first time at that fine establishment. We had a gift card, and figured we could do better (in terms of calories) there than some other chain restaurant. I really wanted to be perfect this weekend, but we ended up splitting the fried calamari as an appetizer, and eating several small pieces of bread. I still think my grilled shrimp with broccoli and potatoes was better than a burger and fries, though. And I managed to leave some of the potatoes on the plate. Not the lowest-calorie meal ever, but not too bad as the singular weekend treat.

In other news, and this is not a euphemism, I seem to have pulled a muscle in my stomach by rolling over in bed. Not quite sure how that happened, but I'm wondering how it will affect the pushups. We'll see!

Current weight: 194

Pounds to goal: 71

today's run brought to you by: snow!

2009-03-07T11:12:00.000-08:00

Yippee! I felt good enough yesterday to determine that I would be running today. According to the training schedule, I was supposed to do at least 4 miles. However, having been sick all week, I really just wanted to do anything. I made it 3 verrry slow miles before petering out and walking a bit, then I ran another half a mile. Since I hadn't run since last Sunday's miserable 1.5 miles, I felt pretty good about this. Also, the weather was gorgeous and I was outside rather than on a treadmill.

There is one downside to running outside, though. You have to either schlep your water bottle or go without. I decided to go without, and I was dying for water halfway through. When I stopped to walk, I couldn't keep myself from scooping up a handful of the snow that was still on the side of the trail and devouring it. It was dee-licious.

blech

2009-03-06T08:50:00.001-08:00

Still sick. This cold started out very mild and then progressively got worse. I'm calling it a backwards cold. I managed to eat on points and pretty healthy Wednesday and Thursday after giving in to the misery munchies Monday and Tuesday, so hopefully the damage won't be too great. But I haven't been able to exercise, and it's killing me! Not to mention, all my other efforts--the things I do that are not about weight loss--have also fallen by the wayside, so I'm feeling kind of stressed out, which probably doesn't help.

Oh well. One day at a time!

links

2009-03-05T12:44:00.001-08:00

A few interesting articles in the NY Times today.

On eating well on a budget: Hey, did you know that pasta is cheap? Yeah, me too. This article does make some interesting points about canned vegetables, though. I never buy canned veggies, but I'm willing to sacrifice elsewhere for my fresh produce. (I do freeze a lot of stuff over the summer and use it throughout the winter). But if they canned stuff really is just as nutritious as the fresh stuff, it's not a bad choice. My main beef with this article is that they totally bury the lead--you have to read 2/3 of it before they mention any specific foods, and even then it's just a quick, self-explanatory list without too many meal ideas. Except for potatoes. For some reason there are 82 potato ideas.

On the effect of exercise posters: Apparently looking at posters encouraging you to exercise will result in stuffing your face with M&Ms. Or something. I'm not sure how broadly the study can be interpreted. However, it does bring up an interesting point, one that G and I have argued about a gajillion times. Activity points: to eat, or not to eat? For those non Weight Watchers, activity points are calculated by intensity and duration of exercise and your weight. The longer and harder you exercise, the more activity points you earn, which translates to "the more you get to eat." However, WW doesn't say you should or shouldn't eat them, just that you can earn them. I find activity points a huge motivating factor during my workouts--20 more minutes and I can have a snack this afternoon! Oh how will I use these lovely points??? G, on the other hand, focuses on the "calories in, calories out" perspective and tries not to eat too many activity points. I think it comes down to listening to your body and doing what is sustainable. If eating the points will keep you in the gym, then go for it. However, I have been trying to leave a few AP's on the table lately, especially after reading about people who gain weight while training for marathons. Horrors!

Biggest Loser Breakdown

2009-03-04T10:53:00.001-08:00

Last night's Biggest Loser was frickin' infuriating, no? A two hour show with no payoff? G was so pissed he swears he's never going to watch it again. I'm going to keep watching, but NBC is really pushing the limit here.

I'm amazed at how good Tara and Mandy look. They both look lean and hardly overweight, which is a real feat in those spandex shorts and sports bras. I was shocked that Tara still lost 11 pounds--a few more weeks at that rate and she won't have any more to lose.

The big promo moment was Jillian's mean girl approach to getting Laura to wake up and take ownership of her actions. Usually I'm down with Dr. Phillian (TM Potes) but this one seemed a bit ill-advised. The point that Laura is perceived as weak even though she doesn't have to be was right on, but it does seem like having everyone gang up on Laura is not the way to convince her she's not a victim.

So who's going to win? I'm calling it right now: Kristen. She's got so much weight to lose that no one will be able to top her if she keeps it up, and she seems to have the drive as well as be well-positioned in terms of alliances. Mikey may be her biggest competition. Filipe and Sione are practically athletes by now, as Jilllian pointed out, and I'm not sure they can keep losing for the duration.

Any other predictions?

changes

2009-03-04T10:44:00.000-08:00

After acquanting myself with the world of diet blogs over the last few weeks, I've decided to do away with the daily reports. I'd like people to actually read my blog, and to enjoy it, and I think the daily posts about what I eat just get in the way. I'll still be keeping my Moleskin journal and writing everything there, just not posting. I've almost filled the first Moleskin, which is a bit of an accomplishment. I did that once before, and then lost focus and never filled a second one and gained back all the weight, so I'm determined to keep tracking this time. It really is the best thing for keeping me on track. I will, however, continue to post links to new recipes that I try.

Speaking of which, I've been sick and miserable this week. Monday my school was the only one open in a 20 mile radius, in spite of snow and ice and crazy wind. I indulged in some Pho (kind of a Vietnamese chicken noodle soup) and then went home and made G get me Doritos...whoops. Yesterday I decided to give myself the day off completely: no thinking about school, points, exercise, etc. I ate badly, but not terribly. As in, I had Chick Fil A for dinner rather than pizza and wings. At first I felt bummed out, like this cold was going to result in a major weight gain and really throw me off, but then I decided it doesn't have to be that way. I'm going to let go of yesterday, but assume that I've used all my flex points for the week. Which means I have to be perfect this weekend. Theoretically it shouldn't be tough because we don't have anything planned, no eating out, no parties, etc. However, I know that Sunday night I'll feel like I deserve a treat. Time to summon that willpower!

On the exercise front, I'm two days into the hundred pushup challenge and did 5 in a row this morning. I haven't run since my bad run Sunday, but I'm hoping I'll feel better enough to get into the gym tomorrow, even if I can't do the full 3 miles because I'm still congested.

So that's this week. Trying to make reasonable decisions even when you kind of have an excuse not to. Wish me luck!

weigh-in/month 2

2009-03-02T07:12:00.001-08:00

Down 1.5 pounds for a grand total of 16. That's a rate of 8/month, or 2/week, although it was actually 10 pounds in the first month and 6 in the second. Whatever, numbers are boring.

Yesterday I did indeed eat a Cadbury Creme egg and some bread, cheese, and ravioli for dinner. However, I exercised, I had all my flex points, and I didn't drink at all this weekend! (Except for the hot toddies, which seriously were medicinal and I would have preferred Nyquil if we had it.)

I'm very pleased, partly about the number, but more so because I know that this has been the most committed and diligent 8 weeks of "dieting" I've ever strung together, and it hasn't even felt like a hassle or I'm depriving myself. (Most of the time--see the last entry for one exception.) In other words, I can keep this up!

March will be tough. My dad is coming to visit for a week, and that will be capped off by a three-day family reunion/wedding celebration. We'll be out of town, and who knows where/what we'll eat. As the time gets closer, I'll make some specific plans, probably along the lines of allowing myself to go crazy at the wedding reception and trying to be really good the rest of the time.

I'd love to get to 21.5 pounds lost this month--that would be 10% of my weight. But if I don't, I won't stress, because when I initially set mini-goals, my first was to be in the 195 pound range by my cousin's wedding, and barring any unexpected binges, I'll be under that.

Current weight: 195.5

Pounds to goal: 72.5

time for some TRUTH!

2009-03-01T13:15:00.000-08:00

The tone of this blog is generally upbeat, and that's because this weight-loss thing is going pretty well. However, I would hate to sugar-coat anything or lead anyone to believe that minor setbacks don't happen, so I shall hereby catalog my day today.

10:45 - Wake up, try go get G to make a plan for our first training run together before he's had coffee, bicker, cry.

11:45 - Learn that a foot of snow will descend starting around 4 p.m., redouble my efforts to set a time for training run while G is distracted by minor things like preventing our roof from leaking (which it did terribly the last time it snowed), bicker, yell, scream, run out the door with the parting shot of "Fine, I'll just train by MYSELF, then, I don't NEED you!"

12:00 - Ride the subway to the gym on the verge of tears because I can't do this by myself and I do need him.

1:00 - Stop running 1.5 miles into what's supposed to be a 3 mile run because

A. I'm too emotional to run.

B. I'm coming down with a cold.

C. My legs are really sore.

D. I'm a quitter!

1:30 - Ride the subway home on the verge of tears because I'm a quitter.

2:00 - Weep on G's shoulder because I didn't run far enough, will never be able to complete the run, am getting sick, will invariably gain double what I've lost, die of fatness.

2:30 - Send G to the grocery store for "bread and chocolate" with the vow that "I'm going to eat whatever I want!"

3:00 - Decide to watch Pineapple Express and pat myself on the shoulder because I don't smoke, pot or otherwise.

goal weight

2009-03-01T12:26:00.000-08:00

I never seriously thought about setting a goal weight for myself. In previous weight-loss attempts, it's been all about behavior (eating right, exercising) and hoping the number goes down. I'll set mini-goals for myself, like hoping that by the time that wedding comes up in 3 months, I'll have lost X amount of weight, but I seriously never considered the possibility of losing enough weight that I would be an average-sized person.

I don't know if it's because I didn't want to jinx myself, or if I thought looking at a big-ass number would be too scary, but I think part of it was lack of belief in myself. There's no way I could do that, only a minimal percent of people are successful with weight loss, blah blah blah. Oh yeah, and if I don't think I can do it, then I don't have to really commit myself to trying, and I don't have to live with the fear of failure.

But in the last few weeks, I've read through the entire archives of both dietgirl and pastaqueen, two bloggers who have succeeded in losing huge amounts of weight and keeping it off. One thing they both had in common was a goal weight from the very beginning, even when their goal weight was less than half of their starting bodyweight. I can't fathom the fortitude it took, at nearly 400 pounds to say, "Yup, I'm gonna weigh 160 someday."

It's time to pony up. I'm picking a number, checking it twice, trusting my body to treat me nice. (Wow, soooo lame.)

Of course, there are many numbers I could pick, and one thing about the two bloggers I mentioned above is that each initially set a goal weight that was lower than the weight she ended up being happy with and maintaining. So do I set a super low weight with the knowledge that I'll end up not reaching it anyway? Or do I set a high weight and consider it more realistic?

Questions, questions. This stuff isn't simple.

What I've decided to do is pick a number that sounds astronomically low to me right now, but is actually closer to overweight than underweight according to a BMI calculator. It's kind of a fun number because of the sequence of the digits, and it's also a number that I feel like meant something to me at one time. I have a vague memory of being in middle school and weighing this amount for a while. Or it could be that this is what my mom has weighed her entire adult life. It's one of the two. Whatever. I'm picking it, I'm aiming for it. I'm not going to be distracted by it, I'm not going to predict when I will get there, I'm not even sure I will. But I will get darn close!

The magic number is 123 pounds. If I get there, I will have lost 88.5 pounds total, and I have 74 pounds to go from where I was at my last weigh-in. I do not have to lose half my body weight, although apparently I could and still not be underweight. Damn.

ETA: I'm still going to focus on mini-goals, by the way. The first, which I mentioned in early January, is my cousin's wedding in March, which is quickly approaching. I think I had hoped to lose 15 pounds by then, and I should hit that easily. Then I'll look to Memorial Day weekend, another wedding and my own anniversary.

daily report 2/28/09

2009-03-01T12:25:00.000-08:00

Breakfast:

Baby carrots

Orange

Clif bar

Exercise:

4 mile run (about 50 minutes)

Lunch:

leftover chickpea and chorizo soup

Dinner:

Pork chop (fried, baby!)

Broccoli

wicked behavior

2009-02-28T11:03:00.001-08:00

Betcha think I'm going to confess to eating a deep fried twinkie or drinking half my weight in beer...but no! Instead I am going to confess to being totally, deeply lame.

I like musicals. Broadway musicals.

Wait! Hear me out! I also like indie music and foreign films and serious literature and I'm SO over impressionist art! I have some standards!

But I do enjoy my Rent CDs.

I've often thought recently, while running away on the treadmill like a hamster, with my ipod on shuffle, that it would be nice if I could watch TV AND listen to music at the same time. The plotline of a TV show combined with the beat of the music would keep me running for hours, I'm sure. But for all the gadgetry Apple puts into its little mp3 player, I don't believe there's a "watch Alias with subtitles while listening to Beyonce" function.

And then it occurred to me: musicals. Musicals have a plotline AND a beat! They might keep my mind interested as well as my feet pounding! So today I tested it out, on my first "long run" of the 10 mile training program. I needed to run 4 miles, so I synced my Wicked CD onto my ipod and it was AMAZING. The first 1.6 miles absolutely flew by. Then I accidentally hit the stop button on the treadmill and had to curse myself out and do the math to figure out how much further I had to go while desperately jabbing the "quick start" button so as not to lose my momentum. It definitely decreased the momentum, but I kept going.

The only problem was my need to make jazz hands during any particularly soaring musical moments. Oh Elphaba. I'M going to fly, defying gravity, dammit!

takeout!

2009-02-28T06:12:00.000-08:00

A little background: G and I have been married going on 4 years. The first two years we lived in a nice little suburban town, renting an apartment. Then we decided we wanted to buy a house, but our lease was going to be up before we were ready. So, we figured we'd stay (operative word here is STAY, not LIVE) with his parents for a little while during our search.

HAHAHA! That "little while" became a full year. A full year living with the MILF (that's Mother in Law Factor). Now, she is fantastic in nearly every way, but she agonizes over our weight, and I am so immature that I like to stuff my face when she's watching. Actually, we did pretty well living there--in the fall I lost about 13 pounds and trained for a 4.5 mile run. Then we actually bought our house, realized it needed extensive renovations, and had to live with them for another six months. We did not do well during that time, as all our free time went into renovations rather than running and eating well.

We moved into our house in June. The house is in the city. And the city is glorious. And the most glorious thing about the city is the availability of delicious food. And all this delicious food can be delivered to your doorstep for a small fee.

At first we ordered takeout simply for research purposes. I mean, if we were going to be good neighbors and residents, we needed to know who made the best pizza. And the best Chinese, an the best Thai, and the best Mexican. We also needed to check out all the pubs within walking distance. We felt we were doing a public service, helping the economy, supporting local business.

By the holidays, I had pretty much stopped cooking, we were spending ridiculously, and that lovely delivery man was ringing the doorbell 2 or 3 nights a week. (The other nights we were at holiday parties or meeting friends out.) No wonder I managed to gain back that 13 pounds, plus another 10!

Since getting back on track in January, we hadn't ordered takeout once. Last night, we lifted the ban. However, we did so very intentionally--it had been planned since Monday--and we didn't order pizza or wings. We ordered Caesar salads (with grilled chicken) and seasoned baked potato wedges from the healthy Mediterranean place. (They make a yolk-free dressing for their salad and bake everything rather than frying.)

Oh my goodness. It was so delicious. I had set aside the points I roughly estimated I'd be eating, and I felt no guilt at all. And at the end of the meal, instead of spending our usual 20 minutes cleaning up, we just swept everything into the trash can. What a treat! The only times I haven't cooked in the last two months have been times we've had plans with other people, so letting loose with just G and me on a Friday night felt like something really special. Funny, I never enjoyed it this much before.

daily report 2/27/09

2009-02-28T06:11:00.000-08:00

Breakfast:

2 pieces Ezekiel toast, one with peanut butter and one with raspberry preserves

Lunch:

1.5 cups chickpea and chorizo soup

Dinner:

Grilled chicken caesar salad

seasoned baked potato wedges

fat jeans

2009-02-27T12:16:00.001-08:00

I'd like to think my puny 15 pound weight loss is visible, but I don't think it is. However, my size 20 jeans now slip down past my (decidedly flat) butt-cheeks whenever I climb stairs. To be honest, they were big when I bought them, but they were only $7! I mean, who can pass up mildly stylish $7 jeans? (Bitten by Sarah Jessica Parker at Steve and Barry's going out of business sale.)

Anyway, they are now no longer an option, because of the aforementioned butt-slip issues.* I have retired them, but they are hanging out in my closet in the hope that one day I will be one of those people who takes a picture of herself holding up fat jeans while wearing teeny tiny skinny person jeans and says, "Look how far I've come!"

Even if I were to attribute their looseness to being worn out and too big initially, Wednesday morning I fit into a pair of pants that I hadn't worn since last winter. I tried them on earlier this winter and it was a no-go, so it was with a sense of surprise and satisfaction that I zipped them up this time around. And I felt great--I walked with a swagger and purpose in those damn pants.

Then I caught a glance of myself in a mirror and felt like a fat schlub. Tried to shake it off, but the swagger was gone. Oh well. Can't rush things.

*I don't know if it's because of my peculiar shape, being overweight, or wearing ratty old clothes, but for the last 6 months or so, EVERYTHING has been slipping off my butt. Not so much pants, but my underwear. I'll be walking along when suddenly it goes past the hips, the cheeks, and ends up balled around my crotchal area. I have a really oddly shaped rear, which I will not go into details about, but this is a new problem. I'm hoping that with some more weight loss and a few new pairs of undies, I won't have to constantly be reaching my hands into my pants to drag them back up.

BMI

2009-02-27T12:11:00.000-08:00

Checked out my BMI just for kicks. When I started blogging about 2 months ago, I weighed 211.5 and had a BMI of 38.6--pretty damn close to morbidly obese (a BMI above 40 is considered morbidly obese, or so I've read.)

Now, at 197, my BMI is 36. Still pretty darn close to morbidly obese, but better. When I get below 160 I'll be simply overweight rather than obese, and I will celebrate with a cheesesteak.*

*(Well, maybe not. But that's what I did the first time I ran a mile. And I enjoyed it, dammit!)

daily report 2/26/09

2009-02-27T03:39:00.000-08:00

Breakfast:

8 almonds

Exercise:

3 mile run (38 minutes)

Lunch:

Milk (in latte form)

Carrots

leftover pasta

Snack:

10 mini pretzel sticks

Dinner:

Trader Joe's crab cake

green beans with pine nuts

Snack:

Ezekiel toast with raspberry preserves

2 glasses wine

daily report 2/25/09

2009-02-27T03:37:00.000-08:00

Exercise:

Rodney Yee AM Yoga

Breakfast:

Oatmeal

Lunch:

Leftover pasta casserole

Dinner:

Chorizo and Chickpea soup

green beans with pine nuts

Snack:

Popcorn

the little things

2009-02-25T12:24:00.000-08:00

I've developed a few little strategies over the last two months that might be worth sharing. These are not blow-your-mind ideas, but small pointers for saving or burning a few calories here and there.

1) Drink while cooking.

In the past, this meant a glass of wine. It just seemed so grown-up and elegant to sip at red wine while preparing a fabulous meal. Now, however, I try to remember to grab one of my many (refillable, sustainable) water bottles from the fridge and polish it off while I cook. I know that I've been satisfied with smaller portions lately, and this may have helped.

2) Surreptitious subway moves

While waiting for the subway, which I do at least twice a day, I saunter to the edge of the crowd and stand on my tiptoes. 60 times. My calves burn when I'm done! I contemplated doing wall pushups, but decided that would draw too much attention.

3) The Ipod is for more than just music.

Derrr. But I only figured this out recently. My gym routine now consists of a warmup on the stationary bike for about 52 minutes--the length of one episode of Big Love. I alternate 5 minutes at level 14 and 5 minutes at level 5, and by the time it's over, I've burned around 400 calories without getting bored. Then I head to the treadmill and the real workout begins! I tried watching TV episodes while running, but I need a beat.

What else?

going for it

2009-02-25T12:15:00.001-08:00

I mentioned recently feeling like I was in an exercise rut, and since then two things have come along that seem like they may help me shake it off. I'm hesitant to mention them out loud--by which I mean, on this blog that no one reads : ) --but then I remembered that my whole hook is honesty. So here goes, and if I fail, you'll hear about that too!

1) The Broad Street Run

This is a 10 mile run down Broad Street in Philadelphia, and it takes place the first weekend of May. I probably won't be able to run the whole thing--I looked at a 12 week training program and I'm already behind, but I plan to do as much of it as I can running, and be OK with walking the rest. I did a 4.5 mile run a few years ago, and I'm back up to running 3.5 miles, but this is going to take some work. In some ways, the work is much more mental than physical. I run on the treadmill, and my head just keeps telling me to stop. I try to trick myself into listening to one more song before checking the mileage or taking a sip of water, but I have a tendency to psych myself out.

2) One Hundred Pushups

The other night G and I were reading in bed before turning off the lights. I was reading a magazine with a feature on General David Petraus. It was a surprisingly interesting article and included the tidbit that the good general can do 100 pushups in 60 seconds.

I put down the mag and turned to G.

"Do you think I could do a hundred pushups in a minute?" I asked.

He ignored me.

I asked again. This time he laughed.

"What? Why not? General Petraus can!"

Lo and behold, as I was finishing up reading the Dietgirl archives the next day (all done now, whew!) I saw a mention of the hundred pushups challenge, a training program that starts small and builds up to 100 pushups in 6 weeks. I took the initial test and basically failed--I can do 4--but I'm going to start the routine on Monday. It may take me more than 6 weeks, and I'll probably never be able to match General Petraus (duh) but I like a challenge!

daily report 2/24/09

2009-02-25T04:14:00.001-08:00

Pre-exercise snack:

14 almonds

Exercise:

55 minute stationary bike

some reps on 4 arm machines

1 mile run (11.57 minutes--personal best alert!)

Breakfast:

1 piece Ezekiel toast, half with peanut butter and half with Fage 2% yogurt and raspberry preserves

Lunch:

Trader Joe's chicken sausage

leftover broccoli

1 egg over easy

Dinner:

Almost cheeseless pasta casserole

Sauteed broccoli rabe

Snack

glass of milk

2 Joe-Joes

daily report 2/23/09

2009-02-24T09:10:00.000-08:00

Breakfast:

Trader Joe's Oats N Honey bar

Lunch:

Hummus

Pita

Carrots

Clementines

Dinner:

Steamed chicken with scallion and ginger sauce

1 c. brown rice

weigh in/week 7 reflection

2009-02-23T11:55:00.000-08:00

Phwoar!

That's a word that I keep seeing on DietGirl as I continue my trek through her archives--if only it burned calories like a real trek.

Anyway, I'm saying Phwoar! today because I weighed in and the scales moved down. 4 pounds, to be exact. For those paying close attention, that's actually 4 pounds in 3 weeks because I didn't weigh last week and hadn't lost the week before, but still, I'll take it. I wasn't surprised because I'd been weighing everyday, nervous that my actions last weekend would result in a massive midweek gain. Luckily, they didn't. However, I am now going to forbid myself from weighing in except for on Mondays. It worked well this week since the scale was going down, but I don't want to set myself up for feeling crappy due to random bodily fluctuations.

Week 7 was pretty good--the only major temptation was last night's Oscar party. I hoarded flex points during the week and didn't eat much all day, then let myself enjoy the food--which wasn't even that bad, pita and hummus and a few chocolates. Unfortunately I also enjoyed the booze, which resulted in a pity party this morning. I've also got that hangover grease craving thing going on, so I'm trying to resist.

My mini-goals for this week:
1. Don't weigh myself.
2. No excessive drinking on the weekend.
3. Keep working to figure out some kind of weight training routine.

Current weight: 197 pounds. (Down 14.5 overall).

daily report 2/21/09

2009-02-22T13:32:00.001-08:00

Breakfast:

handful of nuts

clementines

Exercise:

50 minute bike ride

farted around on two arm machines

3.5 mile run! Woo!

Lunch:

delicious curry egg salad sandwich on Ezekiel bread

Dinner:

honey and soy glazed salmon

Heidi's brussels sprouts

2 glasses of wine

daily report 2/20/2009

2009-02-21T15:27:00.000-08:00

Breakfast:

8 almonds

Exercise:

55 minute bike

got acquainted with a machine that claims to work deltoids

2 mile run

Post-exercise treat:

Triple tall extra hot 2% sugar-free vanilla latte*

Lunch:

TJs 99% fat free bean burrito

Dinner:

Romesco sauce with grilled fish and veggies

3 small slices of baguette

small glass of wine

Mad Men Nightcap:

2 Manhattans

*I've had a Starbucks card burning a hole in my wallet since Christmas, and after my workout yesterday I thought it would be a good idea to have some delicious, healthy milk. In latte form. Only problem is that counting points forces you to order like an asshole, with the 2% thing and the sugar-free vanilla thing. Honestly, I've worked at Starbucks, and I'm kind of over it. But I did enjoy the latte. (In my own defense, I had to order extra hot because I had to walk a few blocks home before enjoying it. I'm not a Starbucks asshole, I swear!)

evil torture machines

2009-02-21T15:15:00.001-08:00

In my last post I went into excruciating detail about my insecurities vis-a-vis the gym. What prompted this was the feeling of settling into a rut. Don't get me wrong--a rut that includes 50+minute stationary bike rides combined with 20+minute treadmill jogs 3 times a week is a good rut. But still, even though I had been increasing intensity and time, I thought it was probably time to start thinking about something besides cardio.

What is there besides cardio? That's what many weight-loss peeps would have you think. I worked at TV Guide for a while, and while I was there they put out a special issue of the Top 50 or so bodies in primetime. I remember that Jennifer Garnder (Sydney Bristow!!!) was on the cover, and that there was a quote inside by some guy along the lines of "if you aren't doing cardio, you aren't doing anything." And although his cardio and my cardio look drastically different, I've still had this as a somewhat unconscious mantra.

However, there is more to life, and more to the gym. Weight training, for example. In theory, I would love to be able to pump a little iron, develop some upper body power to go along with my rapidly-strengthening legs. But the machines! The weight machines scare the living crap out of me. They look like carefully constructed torture devices. I'm convinced that if you approach one the wrong way, you'll end up bent into a pretzel with a broken back and kneecaps.

There's also the social anxiety. Like yesterday, I finally worked up the nerve to sit down on a relatively straightforward looking machine and do a couple of "reps" (haha, I sound like I speak fluent gym! No sirree!). There was a girl on the machine next to me, and after a minute, I realized she had finished and was waiting for my machine. I panicked. Is there an unspoken rule that you begin at the first machine and work your way down the line? Had I jumped into her spot? I hopped off and ran to get a wipey thing, but she already had one and was wiping my nasty butt sweat off herself, so eager was she to bust out some circuits.

I slunk away and hung awkwardly around another machine that looked reasonable. I circled it. I decided that if I sat down facing forward, I could maneuver my arms next to the cushion-thingy and push, and that might be what you were supposed to do. Then I saw the little guide stuck on it and realized I had visualized sitting facing the wrong way. I skittered off to the treadmill, sure that at least there forward was forward.

This week, I vow to develop some kind of weight routine. I have now figured out the operation of two machines, and I'll add to that. My method so far has been to choose the ones that don't look like I'll have to adjust the seat height, but at 5 1', I'll have to get over that. Slow and steady. Don't want to put on too much muscle weight too quickly anyway. (That's sarcasm, fyi.)

confessions of an insecure blob

2009-02-20T09:30:00.000-08:00

I've been overweight since adolescence. When I was younger, I was hugely active. My mom caught me climbing the monkey bars at age 2 (and still shudders when she thinks about it) and claims that I was a far more coordinated child than my sister. <>: Ha ha!

We lived in a city growing up, with no car, and with a playground and pool in our apartment complex. My friends and I formed a "gang" whose primary activity was competing in sprints and jumping around. I took gymnastics classes, and my school had a fairly intense Physical Education system that included extracurricular sessions at the pool and "Saturday school," which was basically a half-day of track and field. In sixth grade I started playing volleyball and played again in seventh. In ninth grade, I tried a low-key soccer league, but by then I had put on a few pounds and entered a bit of a depression. From there, I became a veritable slug and gained continually.

I remember so distinctly the keen jealousy I felt of the athletes in high school. Whenever they had meets or games, they came to school in their track suits. Those track suits sent a message: I'm cool, I'm athletic, I'm better than you. As I gained weight, I became increasingly uncomfortable with my body, and felt as though I didn't have the right to exercise because I wasn't already an athlete. Stupid, but not so surprising for a 15 year-old.

In any case, I first set foot in a gym at the age of 25. (I mean a non-school related gym). I've gotten better about it, but I still feel incredibly awkward. I also have fantasies of someone noticing me and raising the alarm because I'm not supposed to be there! I'm not one of them!

In fact, this paranoia exists for other locations as well. For example, I recently made an appointment at a fancy schmancy hair salon. I say fancy schmancy--what I mean is, it wasn't Great Clips. I usually get a trim once a year, and that serves me just fine. But I thought I'd try something new. However, I was terrified of that same reaction: She's not supposed to be here! She's not one of us. In this case I suppose "us" would be the cute girls with the highlights. I scoped out the neighborhood and picked the place that seemed least likely to turn me into an LBHOL (little blue haired old lady--a serious concern in this area) and called ahead. I asked for information. The girl seemed confused about what I was getting at, so I finally blurted out "Do you accept anyone??" She was taken aback, but reassured me that I would not be kicked out upon walking my blubbery, frizzy self through the door. Even then, sitting in the chair, feeling pretty comfortable, I managed to let my insecurities pop out. The nice girl asked if I had been to any of the hot spots in the neighborhood. Then answer was yes. I had been to several of them--the Mexican cantina, the tavern up the road, the new neighborhood bar. But instead of answering affirmatively, I said, "Yeah...the grocery store."

Oh my gosh. I said I had been to the grocery store. I'm such an idiot! I almost laughed at myself right then and there, but I just swallowed it and let her keep cutting, likely assuming that she had a first-class loser in her chair. The thing is, I don't really think of myself that way. I like me! I'm cool! But in certain environments, particularly appearance-focused environment, I feel like a blob. And apparently I have the need to let others know that I know I'm a blob, carry on.

All this is to explain why it has taken me 8 months to work up to trying out one of the weight machines at the gym. More on that later.

diet blogs

2009-02-20T09:18:00.000-08:00

I spent all day (seriously) yesterday reading through the DietGirl archives. I assumed there was a world of diet blogs out there, but I had never sought them out. My tastes run more to the entertainment oriented blogs--how shallow and lame of me! Anyway, I enjoyed her writing style so much, and was very inspired by her story. When I started this blog I envisioned myself writing consistent, funny, heartwarming, inspiring entries, which would inspire a devoted readership, culminating with a movie deal. After about a week or so, I realized that would be hard. So I have pretty much just used this as a place to be accountable to the ether, noting what I eat and occasionally posting a link or venting, but not deluding myself that people were reading.

After reading DietGirl, though, I'd like to use this blog more as a journal. I have a food journal where I track my points, but I'd like to make myself write more reflective pieces here. I'm still going to write everything I eat, even though it makes the blog look pretty boring, because it's helpful for me and it may be helpful for someone else at some point.

In any case, if you want a laugh out loud funny, poignant, and arse-kicking read, head on over to DietGirl. One warning though--as inspiring as it is to see how far she's come, if you read through the whole archive in one day, you may find yourself forgetting that it took her around 5 years to reach her goal. Slow and steady wins the race, folks.

daily report 2/19/09

2009-02-20T09:17:00.000-08:00

Breakfast:

Toast

Lunch:

Leftover beans, salsa, tortilla, queso fresco

Dinner:

leftover polenta, gravy and broccoli

Nightcap:

2 glasses of wine

daily report 2/18/09

2009-02-19T09:15:00.000-08:00

Breakfast:

Ezekiel toast (1 peanut butter, 1 raspberry preserves)

Lunch:

Leftover beans and salsa, bit of queso fresco, 1 small blue corn tortilla

Dinner:

Broccoli and onions

polenta

red gravy

Snack:

glass of milk

2 joe-joes

Nightcap:

glass of wine

daily report 2/17/09

2009-02-18T16:33:00.000-08:00

Pre-workout snack:

8 almonds

Exercise:

50 minute stationary bike

12 minute, 1 mile run

Lunch:

1/2 Chick Fil A Southwest Salad (no dressing)

1/2 Chick Fil A Spicy Wrap

Dinner:

Huevos Rancheros

Nightcap:

Glass of Wine

week 6 reflection

2009-02-17T10:49:00.000-08:00

When you join Weight Watchers, they give you a "free pass," which you can use on a week that you don't feel like weighing in. I decided to use a free pass this week, kind of. I did weigh myself, and learned that I gained a half pound last week, but I'm not writing that down in my journal or considering it official. I don't know, it makes sense to me.

To be honest, I was glad to have only gained a pound. I did well during the week, and even did OK most of the weekend. Friday G and I did a long walk-run, and Saturday we spent a good couple hours walking around the neighborhood with guests, so at least we were active. And while I ate some pretty serious food, we didn't eat, like, piles of french fries and pizza or anything. Or dessert, really.

About midway through the weekend I decided to just eat what looked good and not stress about the consequences. This is the first time in the six weeks that I've done that--there have been days when I've gone over my points, but I still tracked everything that went into my mouth and attempted to account for it. Sunday I just ate what I felt like, which apparently included buffalo wings. While it may not have been the best choice, I think that at certain points it can be helpful for the long run to indulge cravings.

Now I'm back on track, with a solid Monday and a good gym session under my belt. Onward.

daily report 2/16/09

2009-02-17T10:48:00.000-08:00

Breakfast:

TJs bar

Lunch:

Bananna

Soft Pretzel

Cauliflower and baby carrots

Dinner:

Cashew Curry Soup

glass of wine

daily report 2/15/09

2009-02-16T08:51:00.000-08:00

Breakfast:

egg white omelette with lox, cream cheese, capers, tomatoes and onions

hash browns

multi grain toast

a few bites of scrapple

Dinner:

9 buffalo wings

5 beers

daily report 2/14/09

2009-02-16T08:40:00.000-08:00

Breakfast:

1 egg

3 strips of bacon

Exercise:

2 mile walk

Afternoon snacks:

chips and salsa

cheese and crackers

veggies

Dinner:

Sausage and peppers sandwich

Beer

daily report 2/13/09

2009-02-16T08:39:00.000-08:00

Breakfast:

8 almonds

Exercise:

3 mile walk

2.8 mile run (outside)

Lunch:

Junior Turkey hoagie (no cheese, oil, etc.)

bananna

Exercise:

1 mile walk

Dinner:

Cheesesteak

Nightcap:

beer

scotch

daily report 2/12/09

2009-02-16T08:37:00.001-08:00

Breakfast:

8 almonds

Exercise:

50 minute stationary bike

3.2 mile run (42 minutes on treadmill)

Lunch:

leftover beans

Dinner:

cashew curry soup

Nightcap:

Scotch

priorities

2009-02-12T12:30:00.000-08:00

The other day G and I got a call from some very good friends who are recently arrived back in the U.S. after being stationed in Germany with the army (and this time away included a tour in Iraq).

They wanted to know if this was a good weekend to visit.

My first thought?

"Crap."

See, the husband wants to get cheesesteaks, and G wants to grill sausages, and we'll probably go out for brunch. And all this food--not to mention the copious amounts of beer that will be available--is all I could think about when they said they were coming--how can I resist the temptations, what can I have on hand to snack on while they eat chips and pretzels, when will I find time to exercise?

I don't like that that was my reaction. I want to be chill about weight loss, trust myself to make the right choices rather than stressing that I won't. Not sure how to get there, though.

daily report 2/11/09

2009-02-12T12:28:00.000-08:00

Exercise:

Bob video

Breakfast:

Toast with peanut butter

Lunch:

leftover borlotti bean mole

Dinner:

Chick Fil A

Snack:

Mango