Wednesday, January 7, 2009

the MILF; or, why this blog is anonymous

No, that's not Mom I'd Like to F.   It's the Mother-In-Law Factor.  

Here's the thing.  I will admit that I am irrational when it comes to my mother-in-law.  I can see that, out of all my friends, I probably have the most desirable mother-in-law.  She and my father-in-law bend over backwards to help us out, to the extent of letting us live with them for a year while we bought and renovated our first house.  She is generous, kind-hearted, loves her family, and eager-to-please.

And she drives me nuts.

One of the main issues in our relationship is weight.  Mine, in particular, although she is also concerned about her own, her immediate family's, her extended family's, her neighbors', and most likely the mailman's.   The reason this becomes an issue between us is because of my own parents and their approach to grown children: hands off.  They love and support me and my husband, but they generally refrain from advice, handouts, and occasionally even contact.  My mom apologizes when she calls me because she doesn't want to intrude, even though I call her almost every day.

My mother-in-law, on the other hand, worries.  She worries so much that I rarely see her truly enjoy herself.  And one of her main sources of worry is weight.  At holiday parties, she seems to have a rule that for every tasty treat that enters her mouth, one stressed-out weight-related comment must escape.  It puts a damper on appetizers. 

To her credit, years ago, when I first began dating her son, I was very open about the fact that I was trying to lose weight, and even, when we were engaged, allowed her to pay for Weight Watchers for us, something I now majorly regret.  Because of this, she feels she is my ally in weight loss, and this takes many forms.  First, comments about weight.  Second, offers to exercise with me.  Third, offers to pay for Weight Watchers/gym memberships.  Fourth, when divvying up leftovers after a party, my husband and I get all the salad and fruit, while others get anything carb or desert-related.

Last spring, she emailed me and invited me to join her in Weight Watchers over the summer, her treat.  I took my time to unclench my fists and write what I hoped would be a thoughtful email, explaining that I preferred not to do Weight Watchers with her for a variety of reasons.  I claimed that I no longer wanted to talk about my weight with anyone, my own parents included, because I was not at a place where I wanted any kind of public struggle.   She thought I was angry and that our relationship was forever damaged.  I tried to reassure her, but I hoped that at least the message had gotten across: keep your effin nose out of my weight issues, please, forever, thank you.  

Today when G stopped by their house to drop something off, she offered again to pay for WW or a gym membership for us.  He got frustrated and accused her of interfering; she started crying.  She said that she had lain awake the night before worried about us.  He tried to defuse the situation as best as he could.   He was also very understanding of my feelings and how unwelcome this offer was, as much as we could use the dinero.

I hate this stuff.  I hate having to worry that my behavior is causing someone somewhere to lose sleep, but I also think that the problem there is with her, not me.  I know I have problems; for example, at parties, I have a rule: for every stressed-out weight-related comment that escapes her mouth, I shove two calorrific snacks in my mouth, and hope she's watching.  This is clearly a self-defeating behavior, but it's how I cope.  Stupid, I admit it.  

G emailed her and said that he appreciated the offer and their generosity, but that we wouldn't be accepting and that she shouldn't bring it up again.  I hope the matter rests, but I know that the next time I see her at any kind of function with food involved, she will have a pained look on her face that will make me crazy and self-destructive.   It's so frustrating! I want to use my weight-monitoring resources to do things like plan healthy meals and learn to enjoy exercise, not to appease my mother-in-law!

2 comments:

  1. I agree with you 100%. It's def her problem. She should follow the whole thing that you should never give advice unless it is asked for. She sounds like she has a good heart, but I would be super-annoyed, too, if I were you. Anywho, keep up the good work...hopefully, she'll figure it out one day. :)

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  2. Thanks chiclife. I'm hoping I'll learn to ignore it, or at least continue to let the husband run interference.

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